Letting Go, Moving On

Today is the day I really let you go.

I was holding on to the image of you. The idea, the tiniest little hope that a miracle will happen and things will dramatically take a turn like what we see in Hollywood movies. I know otherwise, of course. No million dollar budget, and no script will make the present any different from what is. This dissonance tears at me. Tore at me.

I held onto the idea that if I let you go, what we have becomes less special, and that incredible connection we found and forged in an instant starts to fade. I hold onto that piece of me desperately, like a man clutching at clutter in a room. Each a memory of an emotion. Each precious in its own way. With a emotional weight and momentum. Like the memory and yearning for childhood keeps one from growing.

I was safe in that agony. The stasis was a familiar ache and the devil I know. Holding on, though, made me stop in my tracks. The memory of all those perfect instants of our meeting stays in my mind, more than a picture. It's like a snippet of life, repeated over and over again. Beautiful, sublime. Yet I cannot live in those times.

But I can preserve them. Hold them as precious. Set them into the tapestry of my soul and make them part of that beautiful mural. Eventually, I must choose to grow. To move again.

Thank you, for coming into my life, and for the precious gems that you left. In the end, though, I need to find my own way, and the companion who'd walk that way with me.

A Twist To The Free Hugs Campaign

Okay, I'm gonna throw this out there and see what kind of response I get.

Anyone who tells me they need a hug, or know someone who needs one, let me know. Here, by email, text, FB, whatever. I'll go and deliver that hug in person within the next 1 month.

Limit to Singapore for now, okay? Need to get my passport back first...

Love Is Like A BBQ...

No, seriously. I've been giving it some thought now, and you know, I'm seeing a lot of similarity.

The Beginning - The Fire

The start of any relationship is often the most exciting. The fire burns incredibly bright, the couple can't get enough of each other, and seem stuck together like glue. They shout to the world that they're in LOVE, and since once is never enough, they do it over and over again.

The beginning the any good BBQ fire, you know, is fire. Burning high and bright, this is the visually the most exciting part of the whole evening. Not particularly useful when it comes to cooking, but it sure looks damn good.

Keep the fire at this level, and you realize that your charcoal burns out quickly, your food gets charred, and you'll end up hungry. Starting to see a similarity?

The Middle - The Heat

Anybody who has stood next to a BBQ pit will tell you that when the fire dies down, and the coals are red hot, that's when the pit is ready for the good stuff. Just because the fire is gone, don't mean the heat is. In fact, if anything, the grill is now even hotter than before.

This heat cooks everything, and a with a little patience, you can get incredible results. Perfectly done steak, vegetables slightly charred on the outside, but sweet and juicy on the inside, even clams and stingray, if you have aluminium foil.

Oh you get the occasional spurt of fire, especially if the grease drips off and into the flame, but hey, it just serves to add flavour and colour.

Keeping the grill hot at this point is not difficult. Conscientiously adding some charcoal now and then, and a few quick strokes of the fan, you can keep the grill going the entire night.

When it comes to the relationship between two people, well, the similarity is quite obvious isn't it? After the initial adrenaline rush, and mind-blowing excitement, the relationship matures to a slow, but intense burn.

Two people start finding out more about each other, intimacy deepens (no, not just the sex. Get your mind out of the gutter!), and they accept each other for who they really are, and in the words of my dear beloved sister, they would even start to grow together.

Sure there are flare-ups and arguments on occasion, but it just serves to spice up the relationship, and yes, do NOT get complacent. Be grateful, enjoy, keep the fire stoked and it will last a long time.

The End - Walking Away

At the end of the BBQ, we usually just let the fire burn down. Sure you can quench the coals, but that often leaves a bigger mess. When the charcoal is neglected, it dies. Slowly, the fuel burns to ash, and without anything new being added, it fades off, becomes a memory, and dispersed by the wind.

When two people stop working on the relationship, and leave it be, the relationship begins to cool off and fade. After some time, without a little care and concern, complacency kills the relationship and the end is nigh.

I do not think that there is ever, the ONE, at least not for me. Just like there is no one perfect BBQ. There is however, times where it comes pretty close, and sometimes, even after the meal ends, the tastes and the memories remain.

Still, that just makes for an even better meal next time, yes?

Being Christian

Folks that know me now often find it hard to believe I'm Christian. A good number think it hard to believe I actually have a heart. Or a brain. But we'll leave those discussions for another day.

Right now, it's just certain realizations about my ideas on Christianity that I had over the years. It might be sacrilegious to some. But fuck it. These are my views and I'm sticking by them.

1. There are only two commandments in the New Testament. Three if you count the Great Commission. To love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul, and to love your neighbour as yourself. Everything else is just good advice.

2. It's a personal relationship between God and me. It's not your business, really. If you tell me I shouldn't be doing this or should be doing that, I ask, "Your opinion or God's?" We can agree to disagree on a lot of things. It's not personal. I am not going to go bitch to God and go, "Don't let him into Heaven just cos he's doing this and that". I'd appreciate you to do the same. Even if you do, I'm going to smile politely, nod, and let you finish then I'll tell you I don't answer to you.

3.  God is not your personal bitch. You can ask for a lot of things. But in the end, the masochistic, hard headed streak in all of us means that a lot of lessons need to be hammered in. And depending on the thickness of our skulls, the size of the hammer varies. We learn our best lessons when they are delivered through the pain in our lives.

4.  That said, there are infinite blessings out there for you if only you are willing to believe that God is more than happy to give you everything you want, including contentment and happiness. But also understand with great blessings come great responsibility. Learn to be thankful.

5. "I'm a Christian, Unless You're Gay"  echoes something that I've been telling my friends for years now. One time, there was a sermon I heard in church. It's about love. And how love is not romantic like the kinds you find in romance novels. It's dirty, grimy, stinky. It gets you hurt. It takes a ton of work. It is frustrating and painful. It's not pretty or glamorous. That's what real love is like. And anybody who's been a caregiver, parent or a friend in need knows this. Jesus was among the outcast, the lepers, the crippled, the worn out and the ones that sinned. If you don't use that as your example, then exactly who ARE you using?

6. No I can't make sense of speaking in tongue. But I'm not gonna diss you if you do. If you ask me, we'll engage in a discussion. You worship your own way. I do it mine. Whatever is acceptable, it's not either of our call, is it? God saw fit to only judge at the end of days. What gives you the right to do otherwise?

7. Being a Christian is simple, not easy. Kinda like lifting a car engine. Let's not complicate matters and make it more difficult than it already is, yeah?

8. No, it does not answer all the questions in the world. At least for me, just the important ones. The rest are just "fiddly bits". If we differ on faith, that's your decision. We can have a discussion on differences. But in the end, I realize that I'm never gonna convince you to convert, neither are you going to do that to me.

9. The Great Commission is to spread the word. Not ram it down people's throats. Conversion is not your job. Don't make it yours.

10. I believe in Creation, even if I am still trying to figure out the timeline. Yes, evolution is ALSO based on faith.

There... here are my 10 realizations through the years. In the words of Craig Ferguson, "I look forward to your emails."

What Is Love?

What is love, that makes it the simplest, and the most complicated emotion in the world to understand?
What is love, that makes someone go through hell and high water, and be willing to try again?
What is love, that brings two people together and keeps them together even though logic dictates otherwise?
What is love, that make strangers friends, and friends become lovers, while others falter?
What is love, that makes someone choose a football club, a country, a discipline or a sport, or a person over all others?

What is love, that makes a person try, and keep trying, even though his efforts are doomed from the start?
What is love, that it never, ever matters the circumstances where it starts, or who it is, as long the end IS love?
What is love, that makes one dream more significant than all the others, and we burn our lives chasing it and count it well spent?
What is love, that makes us find beauty in ordinary things, and the holding of two hands the most intimate of human contact?
What is love, that pushes two people to dedicate their lives into a commitment to each other?
What is love, that makes it the root of the most painful and most pleasurable feelings in the human vocabulary and experience?
What is love, that makes all the analysis of a relationship, all the articles and research written on it, redundant?

What is love, that for all the qualities one can name for another that you like, none of them are the reason why you love them?
What is love, that for all the restlessness and need in the human soul, one can finally put down his burden and go, "I am home", even if for a moment?

What is love, that for all the rules in the world that one sets for oneself, eventually there is only one. The heart wants what the heart wants. End of story.

All I know now, after 32 years, is that I have no answers.
All I know, is that it is exceedingly rare, heart-stoppingly beautiful and precious.
All I know, is that love has no reason, and that as long as it exists, no matter how torn and battered it might be, give it every single opportunity to thrive and grow. And if it is already dead, then nothing one can do can bring it back to life.

For those of you who have a special someone, I envy you. I read a quote once, that the only time in life when you have problems is when you're dead. Such is love. The day you have no more trouble from love, is the day that love is dead.

I would take all the issues, baggage, fights, quarrels, pain, anger and tribulation, for that one chance to love and be loved. And if you have it or a chance at it, dear reader. Treasure it. Guard it with your life. Don't let pride, anger, history, self doubt, jealousy, or the mundaneness of everyday life kill it. At the same time, if it is not there, let go. But after you have tried every. single. thing.

And if ever you or your significant other forget, refer him or her to me. I'll set ya'll straight in a jiffy.

Alone Again, Naturally.

I am happy for the both of you. It is easier to be angry, to rant, and to jump and walk away. Anger is a much simpler solution. But I cannot. It feels right, even to me. The conviction, the openness, I would have given anything and everything for it to be for me. But hey, Good Luck Ed eh?

I envy those with a special someone. I read somewhere that the only time when you have no more trouble in your life, is when you die. Well, guess what, same thing with relationships. And I'll trade every quarrel, every fight, every irritation and rant to have that special someone in my life. So those of you who do, appreciate him or her. If your significant other doesn't appreciate you, send them my way.

Humour is my shield. It's just easier on everyone, and the devil-may-care sometimes funny extroverted clown is a familiar role. Because really, how many people care enough to listen, and understand?

As for opening my heart, well... heh. I don't think I have ever loved someone quite as much. Or saw so much of myself in someone. I don't think I will, for a long, long time to come.

It's time to go back to being alone again. Oh I'll be fine. I'll feel sorry for myself and be lonely on my own time rather than burden those around me with it. Permit me one night to grief. One night to let it all hang loose and be sad and sorry for myself. One night where I wrap my loneliness around me and cry my heart out.

I wish you both the best from the bottom of my heart. Really and truly. I know everything will work out for the both of you. Now wish me back, as empty as it would sound to me right now, that maybe there really is someone out there for me and that I'll find her before long.

On The Road Again

I remember when I was in Sec 4, I wrote an essay about a backpacker who wandered around the world by himself and while interacting with people, walks off in the sunset by himself. Scored the highest I ever did for an English essay in my life. It was not hard. Three and a half pages writing about myself in an hour flat.

I'm usually seen as an extrovert. Thing is, since young. I had to be extroverted. I think I had a slightly more unsettled time growing up than most. Being friendly and likable was a survival trait. The ability to make small talk a necessary skill.

In university I straddled various cliques. I was closer to certain individuals, but never had a group I could really call my own. Sure it got lonely at times, but it was a price I was willing to pay because I felt it kept me from stagnating, becoming complacent and a box from forming around my mind.

Over the last year, I was in a relationship. It was not a conventional one, but nevertheless the timing of everything seemed like a godsend. The way she fitted against my shoulder amazes me every single time. I thought, here is someone that understands. It was as if I found a twin of my soul that I never knew I had. Lay aside your travels, here is an end of your search. The wanderer has found a companion in his travels.

Alas, it's not to be.

So I guess it's time to move on. Exit stage right, the solitary walk into the sunset or the dark night. Either way, the back is turned, and fades from view, savouring the companion chill of the December rain and denying the comfort of the cloak of self sufficiency and solitude for the moment because it has been a long time since he felt for anyone with this much intensity. 

Thank you for being there when I needed you.
Thank you for a year where ordinary things become beautiful.
Thank you for a million and one things.
Thank you for the pain of leaving, because it reminds me that I can feel again.
And thank you, for making it such that we can still be friends in time to come when I can finally find strength again.

Who knows, maybe paths might one day cross again and different roads may again intertwine.

Happy Anniversary

They're not expressive people, but in living history, dad has never ever forgot an anniversary, and there'll always be a bunch of flowers in the morning.

Happy Anniverysary dad and mom. And thank you for 32 years of lessons of what it means to be in a relationship and in love.

The Most Intimate Contact Between Two People

is not sex, not kisses, not hugs.

The most intimate contact between lovers, is when they're holding hands.

Kisses you can give to strangers
Hugs to acquintances
Sex can be a commodity, bought and sold between willing parties.

But you can tell how comfortable a couple with each other by the way they hold hands.

Good Advice

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” - Bob Marley

I think it applies to both women AND men don't you?

Ouch.

perdón, cuchillo de eliminación en curso

Dirty Love

It was months ago when I heard this phrase from my pastor. (yes, assholes. I go to church. Live with it)

"Love is a dirty, stinky thing. It's not the lovely, sweet beautiful, clean thing that you see on movies and in books."

Now I was never a romantic. I don't ever believe in "happily ever after" but what he said gave another aspect to it.

He went on, it's because of love, that the mothers and fathers take care of their babies. Believe me, even the cutest baby's shit is not roses. It is heartbreaking, when you lecture and discipline your kid over and over again. It is humiliating when you stand next to him in front of the discipline master's office.

When you love your fellow man, you go out into the field, and serve, it is hot, sweaty, uncomfortable, irritating but you keep at it, because of love.

When you have a girlfriend or a wife, you get pissed off, there are days where you have flaming rows. but that night, if your significant other gets drunk, you'll clean the pee and the vomit off him or her, and tuck her into bed. It hurts, it is painful, it is smelly, it is irritating, and a whole host of unpleasant and downright disgusting sensations and feelings.

But we presevere because of love. In in that, is a new, sublime beauty more than that in the romance novels.

Wedding Speech For A Friend

Was invited to a wedding and was asked to speak. I didn't make it up the stage, cos the wedding singer (not me this time) hogged the limelight.

I thought it summarizes a lot of things I learnt about love, and so I asked for her permission to put it here.

So here goes. And here it goes out to everyone whose wedding I have attended, and will attend. I applaud you and respect you for this amazing commitment that you have taken on yourselves. It'll be a LONG time before I join your ranks.

But in the mean time, well done you, all of you.

"A friend told me that 'the beginning of love is the end of logic.'

Logically, of course. I can understand why it is that these 2 lovely people have gotten together.

The groom's quite a man. Quite a LOT of man. Exactly how much, I think the bride knows better than any of us.

The bride, complements him, but loses none of her own individuality. Like the chilli padi she loves so much. She is a person in her own right, and brings forth the best in the man that she's with.

But we are not here to celebrate logic. We are here to celebrate love. There's no reason in the world, at the end of the day, for them to choose each other.

Among all the chilli padi, and among all the dishes in the world, they have chosen to commit to each other for the rest. of. their. lives.

So we celebrate this magical, crazy, illogical, senseless, wonderful thing, that has brought the 2 of them together.

We celebrate their love.

Now a word of advice, dear hearts. There will be no happily ever after. You will quarrel, irritate each other, and get pissed off in return. You will fight, and you will jump on one another. But through it all, you will still love each other, so remember to show it.

So to your new life together. May it not be perfect. But May you find beauty in that imperfection, and in the wonderful wonderful love, that you have together.

Cheers."

See dude, I actually HAVE a heart, dammit.

The Beginning of Love is the End of Logic

This is for anyone who has ever been in love before. And yes, contrary to popular belief, there have been occasions where I have been completely stupid and starry-eyed.



Good to know that guys aren't the only people who have problems with blood rushing everywhere else but the brain when we meet the person we like.

Do You Believe in Love?

No extravagant gestures.
No eternal promises.
No elaborate speech.

In sickness and in health, till death do us part.



*Sniff*

Love? A Disease??

I don't know who does this kind of research, but for those of you who are considering the meaning of love.

Take a look at this.

Hums Huang Shu Jun's The Epedemic of Love

The Story of Love - with English Translation!

An old song I found in the hard disk I RIPPED out of my old PC.

Huang Shu Jun's 恋爱症候群. Funny how the old songs are so meaningful. This one talks about the different stages of love, from getting together, to breaking up. Funny, nostalgic, a little ironic and all in all, rather sweet.

I'll try to do justice to the words by translating when I have the time. For the rest of ya who can read chinese, the lyrics are here. READ.

Ok, here's what the Song says...

The Epidemic of Love - Huang Shu Jun

(Spoken Introduction)

Many experts tell me, to discuss love rationally.

Many experts tell me, to use a rational mindset to conduct love affairs (by Zephyr)
I often think, that these experts, have probably never fallen in love.
Don't believe, try it, how can you be rational when you're in love?
I think, it's probably false.

(Song Proper)

Regarding the cause of the Epidemic of Live, it is still a mystery to this date
Regardless of gender, age, job, weight, qualifications, looks or blood type,
Nobody can be immunized against it.
Some experts and scholars believe, that love is the result of an imbalance in body humours,
and others believe that it's like a virus,
Like the Flu, there's no effective medicine but it'll be cured by itself.
Whether you agree or not, all through history, till to date, there are many examples to prove,
That love is not only a sickness, it might even be something of a fetish(perversion).

(whew, this translation business is not easy)

Usually when one is hit by the sickness, the initial stages include a change in lifestyle.
One bathes extra clean, brushes his teeth extra hard,
and suddenly wakes up to play the piano at midnight.
Some people would stand at the balcony and grin silly at passer-bys
Some will suddenly be manic, suddenly be very calm
Some get a spastic expression, and look at the mirror biting their nails and sneeze
Some start cursing little dogs.
Gals suddenly change their hairstyle, guys start pressing dumbbells every day,
Appetite constantly fluctuates, muscle spasms, hypersensitivity,
trembling and craps all happen during this time.

(breathe Edmund... one more verse and 2 choruses to go. Yes, the song writers of that time have a LOT to say)

As the symtomns start getting worse,
people start becoming extremely sensitive, brave and even disgusting
writing, speaking, singing with as much flair as the geniuses and poets,
the more lovey-dovey the better.
Some people, after love, hide in the toilet and cry everyday,
some organize a press conference and announce their love,
and some like to hide in dark places in a couple,
like they have done something unspeakable.
Every day looking for fortune tellers, start thinking of ways to change themselves to fit the other's habits,
Treating every day as an anniversary, and themselves as the present.
Sticking by each other every day for no particular reason,
it's interesting even when they're not talking.
Walking, sitting, lying face up or down, they're never out of each other's sight,
just like they're in a 3 legged race, or siamese twins.

(Chorus - The First)

All I'm thinking about is to love you, love you, love you.
I don't care if there's rice in the rice-bin at home.
I don't care if there are people protesting or rioting in the streets,
I only care about loving you.
All I'm thinking about is to love you, love you, love you,
I don't care about the unification of Taiwan and China,
don't care about the number of refuges in Ethiopia
I just care about loving you.

(Puff, third verse...)

After a tummultuous period, soon, one starts to recover.
The two people start to get bored with each other, start to attack each other's weaknesses,
All the sweetness is gone with the wind.
And then it's waking up from misunderstandings and hallucinations,
and being surprised at oneself how silly he can be.
Ditching everything because of love, not caring about family, friends, brothers and sisters,
and feeling remorseful about it.
And then after that is tiredness, frustration, sighing, heartworn, headaches, teethaches and nightmares,
And THEN it's mental instability, nostrils flaring, short tempers , numb limbs
Finally can't take it anymore, and break up.

(Bridge)

And although the ending may be rather sad,
After you understand it, there's nothing really fantastic about it.
Love eventually is like a cloud, uncatchable,
And I just want to tell you...
In the times when I'm alone, your gentleness unravels my lonliness.
Brings me deep, mad joy, and touches my heart.

(Final Chorus - Yes, they don't scrimp and JUST repeat. They write a whole new one)

And I gently whisper, I love you, love you, love you,
No matter whether it's dusk or dawn,
No matter whether it's in dreams or awake, I love you deeply. (X2)

How fortunate I am, to have met you...

-----------

There... DONE. Translation definitely takes the lyrical nature of the song away. But hey, if you manage to read through this entire translation, you might have an idea why I like this song so much.