Monday, June 26, 2006

The Definitive Guide to - Caring for Drunk Friends

Having graduated from the School of Hard Drinking, Sole Luna, has got loads of advantages. Other than having accumulated a host of drunk stories of enough people to make me a very rich man, I too, have managed to refine the art of caring for the drunk to an artform.

Lemme give you a little background. Sole Luna was a small pub in Holland Village, now closed down. In its glory days, it had free-flow booze from 9pm to 1am on Thursday and Friday nights, every single week.

And unlike some of the wussy free-flows that clubs offer nowadays, Sole's bartenders were a credit to the alcohol community. These fine body of men and women subscribe to the "The faster I knock you out, the less you'd bother me" school of dishing out free-flows.

And as a result of that, there has never been a fight EVER in the years that that lovely, VERY friendly lil place has been in existance. Any troublemaker gets dragged to the bar and put out of commission in oh... half an hour by the nearest regular.

I am honoured to have been part of several takedowns over the years. 15 shots of tequila washed down by whiskey coke and beer is more effective than any burly security guard.

Enough about the good old days. As I said, this unique joint has given me the priviledge of honing the art of caring for drunks. Having been on both the giving AND recieving end over the years, here is everything you really need to know about those situations where you need to transport someone drunk from club to home.

Phase 1. Don't let the bugger drink too much in the first place!
Now drinking is fun. Getting the person drunk so he/she ends up doing weird and wonderful things, is fun. Getting your friend shit-faced, puking and a windmill of Mr. Murphy potential, is NOT fun. The line, of course, is thin, and crossing the line is wayyy too easy.

The rule is this. 3-5 shots of pure hard liquor every half hour. Multiply by 1.5 times for cocktail shooters. Oh, and vary as you see fit. If you're the planner of the party, you want to make sure that your guests are mostly high and happy. The party goes downhill when the puking starts. It's colourful, but not pretty.

When the person says, "I'm a weak drinker", space out the shots. DO NOT FORCE. The human is a lousy enough judge of how much alcohol one can take. We don't need additional instigation.

Take last Friday. Zouk, I was sick and shouldn't be out in the first place. In any case, I only drank 3 whiskeys on the rocks, and a glass of champagne FOR THE WHOLE NITE. For those of you who know me drinking, I was born 3 drinks down. That means to be normal, I need at least 3 drinks.

Phase 2. Dancing increases the rush.
This can be a good thing, and a bad thing. If there is enough leeway, the alcohol quickly fades after dancing it off. You will however experience a sudden spike of drunkedness before everything fades.

Advice, is to interspede dancing with drinking. That way, you should be able to guage the level of the people better.

On the same note, sitting down and drinking is seriously deceptive. Find an excuse to move your people around a bit for the booze to settle, before going for another round.

Yes, I can dance without alcohol. I dropped back down to my usual, abnormal sobriety after busting moves for 30 minutes in Phuture.

Phase 3. Setting up dams.
Right now the good part. So prevention failed. Now the cure. Wash the taste from the mouth, control the puking at its best. The sharp taste may even give the person enough sobriety to stumble out of the club.

That is, of course, IF the person is still in a state to actually drink some more. Trust me, most bartenders will give it to ya, IF you tell him that your friend is puking. Last thing he wants is to clean up.

Hot tea is even better, but not many places serve Teh-Oh at 3am in the morning. Even Zouk, famous for its anal "nothing goes in nothing comes out" rule will relax it enough for you to bring HOT tea in from the deli. So keep $3 cash with you, just in case.

Right I didn't need this on last Friday, but a friend of mine did. After initial resistance to hot tea, the bouncer grimly nodded me through after hearing the sad plight of my friend's excesses. Too bad she wasn't in any state to drink anything. With her friends around, I didn't feel it was polite to crank her head back and force hot tea into her, no matter how beneficial it might be.

Side note, Take anything that anyone who's drunk say with a pinch of salt. Even if they are pukey, and they're trying to resist, don't bother. It's gonna come out eventually. Getting tea or water in them actually helps. Puking clears the stomach of any excess alcohol. This is a GOOD THING.

Phase 4. Logistics for the move
What you REALLY need, is about 5 plastic bags, as much serviettes as you can lay your hands on, and oh, preferably 2 guys who know what they are doing.

Why? Cos a drunk person is typically unconscious. Unconscious people are HEAVY. Even the lightest gal would seem like a work out at the gym. And they're not cooperative in shifting themselves into ergonomic positions suitable for easy carrying.

Therefore, 2 guys. You'll see what I mean when we get to rule 5.

At that point, we had 3 guys, and 2 gals including me. Here's the plan. Get her up and moving and one of the gals will grab the car. Good plan. A little shoddy on the execution but... hey, all plans fall apart on the first encounter with the enemy.

The most important bit - Extraction deserves an entire post by itself... Akan Datang...

No comments: