The Paradox Of Being There

I've been told that a boxer in a match probably would suffer less damage overall if he was to get hit by a knockout punch than if he was to go through ten rounds of the meat grinder.

And I started thinking about all the relationships that I have seen come and gone, especially the ones where the relationship was abusive, or just bullshit, and I have always stood by my friends.

Now, I'm wondering if I got it wrong. Whether because of the support, I've extended their pain and in the overall scheme of things, caused them more hurt than did any good for them. They come to me and rant and moan and bitch, and I make them feel better about themselves, and about their situation, and they go back and get themselves hurt worse.

And I ask myself what if I withdrew that support? What if, I walked away and let it all go to hell in a handbasket, then be there to pick up the pieces? Would it be better for the person in question then?

Right now, I'm not sure. Solutions to emotional problems are emotional in nature. It takes something dramatic for the person to want to change. If not, then the person will never change. If he lies, he'd do it again, and again, and again.

The next question is, would me walking away create the emotional impact deliver the knock out punch?

Questions to think about.

On A Night Like This...

So let's give this power of positive thought thing a go...

My own apartment


A Balcony overlooks the city skyline

In A Storm


Having a whiskey


With the woman I love, who loves me back, in my arms

Button Pushing

Lessons for the day:

Keep probing limits, keep pushing buttons. Never ever stop, never get comfortable, and never lose yourself and forget what YOU want.

Question of the day, especially to the people that know me:

Am I too nice to the people I care about, especially the women in my life?

Dilemma

When faced with an impossible choice,

of holding on with an iron grip, and watch whatever you have slipping through your fingers slowly but surely,

and letting go, and risk whatever it is you value disappear in an instant,

how do you choose?

Pushing The Limit

The lesson that I learnt over the week was this,

that when we were children, we constantly pushed our limits, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

That's why we grow so fast. But over the years, we forgot that. That's why we stagnate.

Time to be kids again!

Random thought on Religion

Since the atheist believes that there is no God, and since it's never been proven one way or another, so atheism is ALSO an article of faith isn't it?

Defining Who We Are

One of the best phrases I have heard recently is, "We decide ourselves who we want to be. Subconsciously, or consciously, every decision and every action defines, reinforces and redefines who we choose to be."

This was initially addressed to a colleague of mine, but when I look around, I see it everywhere. As we get older, we move into certain comfort zones in thought, behaviour and character. After some time, these comfort zones get carved deeper and deeper into our psyche until it becomes they become channels of habit wherein our daily consciousness flows. With that, comes a limiting of the possibilities that we see open to us.

Change can happen. But at great cost. To our comfort zones, to our energy and spirit, even to our own identity of "self". Few are willing to go pay the price to redefine ourselves, and carve out new channels in the bedrock of life, unless something big acts on their lives to destabilize it.

Things of course, like death, debt and disease, that sometimes don't give us a choice BUT to redefine our lives so as to continue to exist. This redefinition, is seldom pleasant. For those of us not "fortunate" enough for things like that to happen to us, we can only hope that our own force of will and desire to strive and succeed is enough to overcome internal hurdles.

To those who have done it before, congratulations. Tell me your story so I can draw inspiration.

To those who are working towards change, keep at it. The road is long and tough. But you are not alone.

To those who are discontent with life, but have no desire to change, maybe you'll make the decision one day, maybe you won't. The anticipation of the bite is often worse than the bite itself. Whatever the case may be, I wish you well.

What is Possible?

My brother recently made me read a book about violence in the real world. It is interesting because it goes beyond violence. It explore a lot of self defence, and mental states, and recovery from traumatic experiences.

This is a paragraph that I found really interesting.

"Permission and initiative combine to produce a force of nature. It is inhuman and hard to describe. You do what needs to be done without regard for whether it is possible, because nine-tenths of your 'impossibilities' are imaginary. Strange that a 110-pound girl believes that she can't hurt a 200 pound man, but an eight pound cat (especially if you dump a bucket of water on it) can and will do so without hesitation.

A small woman can punch hard enough to break ribs, and it is far less a matter of 'know-how' than it is of deciding to injure and then letting herself do it... in the end, the critical difference between me and them is that they have completely lost their allegiance to regular human suppositions about what is and isn't true, is and isn't possible.

They lose their sense of reality through chemicals, and sometimes I can give up mine and even the playing field"

- Meditations on Violence, Sgt. Rory Miller

Taking an extrapolation, what if it is not violence? What if this concept is applied to each and every aspect of our lives, our work and personal lives?

When we lose what our preconceived notions on what is possible, what can we achieve? Are we subconsciously limiting ourselves because we think that that'll make us fit in?

Thoughts to consider

Translation - 那就这样吧

Since a friend has asked me to translate the lyrics for her, I thought that maybe I should just cut and paste the lyrics here. For your reading enjoyment. This is of course, the literal translation. If you have any recommendations for changes, do let me know and I'll put it up.

Verse:
Don't cry anymore
I should be the one that's crying
You've already said you love him,
What else can i do

I have already agreed
After you have stated your point of view
Let's not drag this along
We'll start (on our seperate ways) tomorrow

Chorus:
That's all there is
However deep the love, it's come to an end
So let's break up
No point struggling anymore

Don't ask me again
How I can let just you go
Go forth,
When you get there, remember to give me a call

That's all there is,
However much we love, we'll still say sayonara
Let's hug again
And I'll kiss your long hair again

Don't cry anymore,
Wipe your tears
How about this?
Love me again, if we're really fated together

Bridge:
Quickly go and pack your stuff
It'll be dawn if we keep dragging
Keep the keys first
In case you have things
In case you have things that you forgot to take

Chorus X2

Well that's the song, and the translation. Enjoy!

那就这样吧

How appropriate the song. I knew there was a reason I like it so much.

9 Months In

For those of you who are wondering, yes, I finally have a girlfriend and it has gone past the 9th month. And I'd like to say for the record that it IS different from being single, but I am enjoying all the differences.

And yes, while there is a really big age gap between me and my beloved, I'd like to say that for the record, I am quite proud to say that I am learning as time goes by. From being in a relationship, from being with HER, and from her as an individual.

Here are some of the lessons that I have learnt in 9 months:

There are some things in life that one just needs to take time to do. It's not good to rush. Chawamushi is one of them. Pasta is another.

Time management is not easy, and sometimes we all need to make sacrifices for the things that we want.

Communication is key. Under ALL circumstances. If you're not psychic, then make sure you say something out. And make sure the message is received by the other party is the same as the one you're trying to convey.

No matter how good at something you think you are, you can always get better. Yes, that includes any and all bedroom antics.

One should NEVER, EVER fake it.

My dress sense always needs improving.

There is a difference between the various kinds of brushes that women have for make up. Apparently there are 2 brushes for every contour on the face.

We are all human. If we need to, we can change.

We are always changing. Even our principles and how we express them. We do need, however to be focused and clear about what we are changing INTO.

In every relationship, there will always be give and take. There should never be a situation where it's one party that gives, and another that takes. If we sit down and do up a balance sheet, we'll never get to the end of it.

Never be conceited or complacent. The more you're praised, the more you serve to keep the balance and the arrogance in check.

Shopping is only limited by time and the amount of money in the wallet. There is no such thing as enough shoes, bags, accessories or clothes. 18 hair/headbands is NOT enough.

Some of these are lessons freshly learnt, some already known but have been hammered in over the last 9 months.

All in all, thank you, kitten, for being with me through these 9 months. I have learnt much over the last 9 months, and you've been wise and patient beyond your years, to a man who has too little time for you, and who lives literally across on the other side of Singapore.

Dirty Love

It was months ago when I heard this phrase from my pastor. (yes, assholes. I go to church. Live with it)

"Love is a dirty, stinky thing. It's not the lovely, sweet beautiful, clean thing that you see on movies and in books."

Now I was never a romantic. I don't ever believe in "happily ever after" but what he said gave another aspect to it.

He went on, it's because of love, that the mothers and fathers take care of their babies. Believe me, even the cutest baby's shit is not roses. It is heartbreaking, when you lecture and discipline your kid over and over again. It is humiliating when you stand next to him in front of the discipline master's office.

When you love your fellow man, you go out into the field, and serve, it is hot, sweaty, uncomfortable, irritating but you keep at it, because of love.

When you have a girlfriend or a wife, you get pissed off, there are days where you have flaming rows. but that night, if your significant other gets drunk, you'll clean the pee and the vomit off him or her, and tuck her into bed. It hurts, it is painful, it is smelly, it is irritating, and a whole host of unpleasant and downright disgusting sensations and feelings.

But we presevere because of love. In in that, is a new, sublime beauty more than that in the romance novels.

Tagged

Tagged by Skye.

1. Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog…

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself…
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs…
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here goes.

1. I wore a sarong to my friend's pre wedding party in Norway because they wanted something to remind them of Singapore.

2. I keep a pet rock with lichen on my window sill, also from Norway.

3. When I was in university, my room-mate and I found a bat at our front door in the morning. We kept it as a pet and named it Bruce.

4. I get freaked out by people putting in and taking out their earrings.

5. It is my strong belief that the next Child's Play sequal will be called "Teletubbies, the Movie".

6. This is the first time I was ever tagged.

7. I have never been to KL in my life. Ever.

The next victims will be... Andy, Peanut Butter Wolf, Oceanic, Nicolekiss, Hostsara, Melbourne Babe, Rachael (since she doesn't have access yet, mommy will have to fill it in for her)

It is finished, and I see that it is good.

The Burden of Money

How many of y'all have said, "If only I had a million bucks, I would be so happy." at least ONCE in your lives?

How many of you have said, I wish I can do what I want to do, when I want to.

Remember the old axiom, "Be careful what you wish for, cos you just might get it". And when you DO get it, you might end up realizing you don't want it.

So what ARE you going to do, when it's all said and done? Travel? Charity? And then what?

Loads of us want to get out of the rat race. Make enough money, retire young. Don't bother with the grind of every day life any more.

But retiring is a scary thought, because you are left with a void. After you retire, you are going to be faced with the BIG QUESTION.

What are you suppose to do with your life? What is your purpose, your calling?

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSE TO DO?

When faced with a question like that, let's see what happens.

Go to any old folks' home, and you'll see folks who have money, and the time, but don't know what to do with either. They are waiting to die.

Look at the spoilt rich kids who don't have to work for money. They get into sex, drugs and depression, even though they have nothing to be depressed about.

What about the people who strike lottery? Most of them self-destruct.

That is the burden that money gives to a person.

Money gives freedom. and freedom, comes at a price. The price is self-awareness, and purpose. Don't pay the price, and YOU will chain yourself down without anyone else going at it.

What would you do if someone gave you a million dollars, my friend? Would you take it, and face up to the really big questions?

Be Nice. Why?

Now I got this from something I was reading, "The Power of Ethical Obligation", by Robert Ringer.

"In one study, researcher Dennis Regan had two individuals try to sell raffle tickets to unsuspecting workers. One individual made a conscientious effort to befriend the workers before attempting to sell any tickets.

The other individual made a point of being rude and obnoxious around the workers. While on a break, the individual who had previously been rude to his prospects bought them drinks before trying to get them to buy tickets.

The results of the study showed that the rude individual actually sold twice as many raffle tickets, even though the other had been so much nicer and more likable. "

Now WHY is this the case? Aren't we always taught to be nice to people? So WHY does the asshole perform better?

Remember the commercial where the hubby is really nice to his wife? The one where he said he puts his TV on record and lets her watch Anthony Bourdain, dances with her, and as a last straw, offer to do the dishes.

What happens?

Wife runs off to the mother and goes "Mommy, he's cheating on me!" One wonders why that's the case.

I mean, sure, us modern boys have always been taught to be nice to girls. The fairer sex, protect the women, we're told. But seriously, do women REALLY want good boys? Sure, many of my female friends say. But we all know that women rarely mean what they say, and they almost never say what they mean.

I seriously doubt they are about to start now.

Hello Me

In a little under 3 hours, I'll be headed to the airport and bugging out for a week to a place where there is no internet, and my handphone will not work.

Cut off from the outside world, and all forms of communication, it's just me, myself and I. This should get pretty interesting, and I am looking forward to reaquint myself with the man in the mirror, and behind the eyelids.

Here's my thought of the day. When you're off from the things like your work, your interests, your significant other, the people around you, your culture and your worldly possessions, do you still know yourself?

At night, when the eyes close, and you're alone with yourself without distraction and form, who do you see? And more importantly, how do you feel about that person?

This promises to be a very interesting week.

The God Complex

First things first. Thanks Bev, for introducing me to this concept. Ever since that fateful day in my office, over MSN, I have been using the term incessantly.

First up, What IS the God Complex?

The sum of all human knowledge, Wikipedia, puts it thus,

"A god complex is a colloquial term used to portray a perceived character flaw as if it were a 'psychological complex'. The person who is said to have a 'god complex' can act so arrogantly that he might as well believe he is a god or appointed to act by a god. It is also often called the Messianic complex."

Being practical, I just diagnose the the symptoms: -

a. An overwhelming desire to shoulder all one perceives to be wrong with the world, and thus thinking that it is that person's own responsibility.

b. Thinking that one has the ability to take all that responsibility upon himself (it's the non gender-specific him I'm using. You're not off the hook, ladies.)

c. Feeling damn guilty when the perceived responsibility is not fulfilled.

Sounds familiar?

In the course of 4 years of work, I have come to the conclusion that you can only do something for the someone, IF the other person wants it.

In my books, three time's the charm. I offer once, twice, thrice, if there's no response? I let it be.

Oh, that's not to say I cut myself off. The help's available, but now it's passive. You need, you come to me. If not, well you're on your own.

Do I feel guilty? No. I might feel sorry for you if it was something that can be salvaged with the information I had, but I sure as hell ain't gonna stick my nose where it's not wanted, or cram my help down somebody's throat.

On the flip side, I still have remnants of ego in me. It's still hard for me to open my mouth and ask for help, but I have learnt through MUCH pain, that pride is a fucking expensive commodity to have, and ultimately worthless.

Buying dinners and teh tariks are much, MUCH cheaper. And strangely, in getting my ass kicked and learning, self-awareness and clarity really are kinda liberating.