Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Eliminate Your Competition the Singaporean Way

Do you have people stepping on your toes, cutting into your profits, and generally making your life difficult? Have you always wanted a life free of competition, and you can rest high and easy on your laurels? Well now you can!

This method, created and patented in the exotic island nation of Singapore is guaranteed to make YOUR life completely free of those pesky fellows, and guarantee you a life of monopoly and ease!

All you have to do ladies and gentlemen, is to follow these easy to apply, completely scalable steps in YOUR environment.

1. Dig up dirt and amplify every little flaw. This is especially easy if you have the press and it's facilities are on your side. Make a big hoo ha out of EVERYTHING. Does the guy pick on his scabs? Maybe he has a strand of hair out of place? Note the lack of discipline and personal hygiene! Who knows what he might do when you are not watching!

2. Now insist that everybody needs to go through a credit check by the powers that be. This is necessary of couse, to provide credibility to everyone. OF COURSE THE POWERS THAT BE ARE IMPARTIAL! Just because the people running the facility and the people in your "board" are exactly the same is pure coincidence. They are completely impartial even though their livelihoods depend on you.

3. Now how can this be? Your competitors have some discrepency in their financials! Freeze all accounts and assets and conduct a thorough investigation. The sheer audacity of these people. Thinking they can get away with anything.

4. This of course, is competition. Marketing and visibility are important. That leaves room for intepretation. Slander/Libel suit ensues. The fact that they're opening their MOUTHS and penning anything is reason to suspect that they're saying something damaging.

5. Now my dear audience, note the unhappy coincidence of the troubles that befall your competitors. So many things happening at the same time. But how fortunate for you that this series of unfortunate events has now forced your competitors to a. declare bankrupcy and hence be out of the running for anything including public office for the next 5 years or so. Or b. leave the country.

6. Now that they have left the playing field, your job is not over. Oh no! Not yet! This is very important folks. Neither the libel suit NOR the investigation must EVER be resolved or concluded. Because if judgement swings one way or another, he can be extradited, and then brought to court. That means the case will be resolved one way or another and the person is now free again to terrorize this happy little state of affairs that you have set up. In other words, he'll be back. Like Terminator.

7. Repeat where necessary.

QED is it not?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG that sound exactly like Scien__logy. Do our "conservative majority" fall under this C_l_. Oh my that will explain a lot. Hint Google for "Creepy Tom". Send shiver down my spine.Don't B about them or ____ They sue.

daphne said...

show responsibility in your posts about such issues by justifying your stand.
you're an adult, i presume, so act like one.

Vandalin said...

anonymous - don't know much about them. But it's only a matter of time that folks realize it.

daphne - Run through the newspapers for aftermath of the election in 2005, or the one before that. Draw your own co-relation. Deja Vu?