Sunday, April 06, 2014

Letting Go, Moving On

Today is the day I really let you go.

I was holding on to the image of you. The idea, the tiniest little hope that a miracle will happen and things will dramatically take a turn like what we see in Hollywood movies. I know otherwise, of course. No million dollar budget, and no script will make the present any different from what is. This dissonance tears at me. Tore at me.

I held onto the idea that if I let you go, what we have becomes less special, and that incredible connection we found and forged in an instant starts to fade. I hold onto that piece of me desperately, like a man clutching at clutter in a room. Each a memory of an emotion. Each precious in its own way. With a emotional weight and momentum. Like the memory and yearning for childhood keeps one from growing.

I was safe in that agony. The stasis was a familiar ache and the devil I know. Holding on, though, made me stop in my tracks. The memory of all those perfect instants of our meeting stays in my mind, more than a picture. It's like a snippet of life, repeated over and over again. Beautiful, sublime. Yet I cannot live in those times.

But I can preserve them. Hold them as precious. Set them into the tapestry of my soul and make them part of that beautiful mural. Eventually, I must choose to grow. To move again.

Thank you, for coming into my life, and for the precious gems that you left. In the end, though, I need to find my own way, and the companion who'd walk that way with me.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

A Twist To The Free Hugs Campaign

Okay, I'm gonna throw this out there and see what kind of response I get.

Anyone who tells me they need a hug, or know someone who needs one, let me know. Here, by email, text, FB, whatever. I'll go and deliver that hug in person within the next 1 month.

Limit to Singapore for now, okay? Need to get my passport back first...

Monday, February 17, 2014

Being Vulnerable

It's always the periods that we are the most down, that we learn the most isn't it? If so, there MUST be a lesson in reaching out, and getting the stuffing knocked out of me, losing my passport and wallet, stranded alone in another country. 

I realize, that at a fundamental level, I have been hiding. Hiding is easiest when it's done to yourself. Keeping feelings inside, and bottled up because I do not want to acknowledge them. I am lonely, sometimes more than others. I feel that I am not worthy and I limit myself. I am afraid. 

It's terrifying to confront the fact, that maybe this low-level superhero isn't so super. That he gets scared, or feels inadequate, or is lonely even though he's the friendliest person in the room and can connect with anyone and everyone. 

So I hide. I used to be able to dance without alcohol. To make the conscious decision to lower my walls and my inhibitions, and just dance and experience the music. But with booze, it's just so much easier isn't it? 3 drinks later, the walls are easily lowered, and stays down. And we think we can enjoy the music that much more. 

But we don't. 

We cannot numb the bad feelings, the awkwardness and the embarrassment without simultaneously dulling our connections to the music, and the pleasure of being present in the moment. Funny, by drinking, we are present in the moment, but also our senses are dulled and we cannot enjoy the moment fully. 

But it was the easier way out. So over time, the conscious decision to lower my guard becomes the conscious decision to get another pint, or three. It becomes almost a need to get some every time or else I can't really dance or enjoy the music. Is it an addiction? I don't know. But I recognize, and it got me a little appalled I gotta say. There are other distractions of course, for my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. Booze just isn't gonna cut it for those.

It's a hard thing to put down and acknowledge to myself. I thought I got it sorted out, but I guess not yet. I guess it takes as long as it does.

And then I watch this video from Brene Brown on being vulnerable. And her Ted Talk addressing shame. They both hit me like a ton of bricks. It is hard to be open and vulnerable. It is hard because we have to live with uncertainty. It's hard to put yourself out there and love without walls and without certainty. It is hard to be real.

So we all hide. Behind walls, distractions, relationships, sex, work... just anything really, to keep ourselves from dealing with it. It's just TOO hard. Not to say those aren't legitimate things to enjoy, but when they're used to be distracted...

Now that that's out in the open, I going to experience them fully, so that they too can pass. When I can become truly comfortable in my own company, and know that I am truly awesome, maybe then I'll be ready for that person that comes into my life.  

And here's my commitment. To fully experience everything that life throws at me. To revel in the moment, whatever it be. Good or bad, now I will tell the story of who I am, with my whole heart. Flawed and small it might be. Life is my arena. Whether I fail or succeed in love, life or career, there's only one way to live, and that's to be real and vulnerable, and daring greatly.

So next projects, giving the best hugs in the world, and see if my instructor will take me for the Iron Palm training for the next 6 months. Oh, and see if I can get my tango legs back.

Thursday, February 06, 2014

Of Fear

It's been 35 years since I've walked on this earth, and there are a good number of things I have learnt about this emotion they call fear. It is a useful emotion, like pain. But like pain, it should never be indulged. Here are a few of those lessons.

  1. Fear is as real as you allow it to be. Don't ever diss a person's fear. It is real as far as he or she is concerned. 
  2. Logic does not banish fear. Logic, brain. Fear, emotion. Wrong body part. 
  3. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the willingness to take action in spite of fear. 
  4. Bungee jumping does not cure one's fear of heights. Believe me, I tried. 
  5. No decision made in fear will ever be the right one. It might not be wrong. But it'll never be right. 
  6. I believe that fear, like problems cannot be overcome at the same level of emotional maturity that created it. 
  7. Fear is a habit. As such, anything that can be used to change habit can be used to overcome fear. 
I am still afraid nowadays. It seems like the more I care about something, the more fear I have. The answer of course, is not to NOT care. But to do something, anything in spite of being absolutely terrified. And very often, the closer you get to facing that which you fear, you realize, that it starts to go away. 

And after a while, you come out the other side, buzzed on adrenaline, and thirsty for a beer. 

Thursday, January 30, 2014

A New Year's Desire.

In the new year, I do not wish you wealth or success. Instead, I wish you growth.

Physically, in health and energy.
Mentally, in knowlege and wisdom.
Emotionally, in joy, and gratitude.
Spiritually, in love and courage.

The wealth and success then becomes inevitable, doesn't it?

Thursday, January 16, 2014

In Memory Of A Good Man

Ladies and gents, there is something I feel quite strongly about. Many of us know that President Ong was not given a state funeral. 

Still, there's no reason why we should not give this amazing statesman his due recognition, and hold him up as a shining example of a man of principle who knows what it means to be the President of Singapore. 

In that light, with no expectation or obligation, I'd be wearing an orchid on the 8th of February. Anyone who is open to it, is welcome to join me. Feel free to spread the word.

Was in Thailand but found a florist with a sprig of orchids. RIP Mr Ong. 

Saturday, January 11, 2014

The 3 Golden Rules

The older I get, the more I notice the similarity between dancing and life. It seems like the dance holds a mirror to life. Or is it the other way around?

In any case, there are 3 rules that I was taught when I first started out salsa. It seems to hold true for both dance and life. The rules are for men, so listen up. 

Rule Number 1: Make your girl LOOK good. 
Rule Number 2: Make your girl FEEL good. 
Rule Number 3: Refer to rule number 1 and 2. 

Dance with this in mind, and believe me. You'll be an amazing dancer, and a pretty good MAN. 

Thus endeth the lesson for today.