Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Are We The Ones Disabled?

Very Possibly the only thing she can't do, is scratch her back. They are not whole of body. The rest of us, might not be whole of mind and spirit.

And for those who always said that dancing is too hard, or "I can't dance"...

Monday, January 28, 2008

Greetings from KL


Reporting LIVE from the city of the Twin Towers. This is my second time here EVER.

I'm glad to report that the Starbucks here cost exactly the same as Singapore, and it is hot like FUCK.

Dinner in an hour, and meetings after that. And for the whole of tomorrow.

Where in the world do I get some entertainment here after hours on a Monday night anyways?

Friday, January 25, 2008

I Was Ear Raped!

In the words of my colleagues, my phone number is slutted out to the whole of Singapore, primarily cos I'm the point man for most of the businesses that we have.

But this one, this one. I went behind the wheel of my car and set a new world record for longest continuous stream of expletives in 4 languages.

"Hi, this is Edmund."

"Hi, do you have any cars for rent?"

"Sure, when do you need it?"

"Maybe today?"

"Hmm... there are a couple of cars that I have. What's your price range?"

"Well... don't matter as long as I'm comfortable... how old are you? You sound really young..."


"I like young men..."

"Err ok..."

"I wanna make friend with you... Would you like that?"

He then carried on a little on what he likes about young men.

"Sorry, I don't quite swing that way. Thanks for asking anyway. BYE."

Let it not be said that my customer service is lacking in any manner. There are many things I'm willing to take for my team. Giving up my ass virginity is not one of them.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The BEST Statement on the War on Terror I have Ever Heard

Anyone who makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a fucking fool.

Hear hear!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bollywood's Sweet Child Of Mine

From Andy

Damn Cool lah! Welcome to One World. American classic, adapted by Indians, loved by Singaporean.

When Fantasy Meets Reality

Finally, the question of whether wrestling stars can heck it will be put to rest.

World Wrestling Federation Vs Ultimate Fighting Champion

Brock Lesner

K-1 Dynamite USA: Brock Lesnar vs Min Soo Kim
Uploaded by Zed1982


Frank Mir

Bets anybody?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Disclaimer To All Political Posts

I have, absolutely and completely no political aspirations or inclinations. Any and everything on this blog is completely my own personal observations.

Let it not be said that I am not appreciative of what Singapore has achieved through the years. 40 odd years, and we have went from zero to hero economically is pretty damn impressive.

Running water, uninterrupted power supply, and roads that don't need an SUV to drive through are things we take for granted there.

Now to progress this fast in this short a time, there are, in my opinion, 2 ways.

1. Getting everyone in the country headed and inspired to go the same way. Now that, obviously is a fucking impossibility.

Mob rules state that the more number of people there are together, the lower the collective intelligence. On top of that, anyone who have ever tried getting more than 4 people to try and agree on a place to eat dinner will know that getting 4 million people to agree on country policy and operations is doomed to spectacular failure.

2. RULE. No questions, just push ahead. It is not pleasant, it takes everything we believe about free will and inidividual choice and shoves it up where the sun don't shine.

But it does get the job done. So, nope I'm not saying that the monarchy social democracy in Singapore is a bad thing. It is a fact. Live with it.

And if you really can't stand it, work around, over or through the system. You might be able to get through a wall using your head as a battering ram, but I recommend using a door.

Eliminate Your Competition the Singaporean Way

Do you have people stepping on your toes, cutting into your profits, and generally making your life difficult? Have you always wanted a life free of competition, and you can rest high and easy on your laurels? Well now you can!

This method, created and patented in the exotic island nation of Singapore is guaranteed to make YOUR life completely free of those pesky fellows, and guarantee you a life of monopoly and ease!

All you have to do ladies and gentlemen, is to follow these easy to apply, completely scalable steps in YOUR environment.

1. Dig up dirt and amplify every little flaw. This is especially easy if you have the press and it's facilities are on your side. Make a big hoo ha out of EVERYTHING. Does the guy pick on his scabs? Maybe he has a strand of hair out of place? Note the lack of discipline and personal hygiene! Who knows what he might do when you are not watching!

2. Now insist that everybody needs to go through a credit check by the powers that be. This is necessary of couse, to provide credibility to everyone. OF COURSE THE POWERS THAT BE ARE IMPARTIAL! Just because the people running the facility and the people in your "board" are exactly the same is pure coincidence. They are completely impartial even though their livelihoods depend on you.

3. Now how can this be? Your competitors have some discrepency in their financials! Freeze all accounts and assets and conduct a thorough investigation. The sheer audacity of these people. Thinking they can get away with anything.

4. This of course, is competition. Marketing and visibility are important. That leaves room for intepretation. Slander/Libel suit ensues. The fact that they're opening their MOUTHS and penning anything is reason to suspect that they're saying something damaging.

5. Now my dear audience, note the unhappy coincidence of the troubles that befall your competitors. So many things happening at the same time. But how fortunate for you that this series of unfortunate events has now forced your competitors to a. declare bankrupcy and hence be out of the running for anything including public office for the next 5 years or so. Or b. leave the country.

6. Now that they have left the playing field, your job is not over. Oh no! Not yet! This is very important folks. Neither the libel suit NOR the investigation must EVER be resolved or concluded. Because if judgement swings one way or another, he can be extradited, and then brought to court. That means the case will be resolved one way or another and the person is now free again to terrorize this happy little state of affairs that you have set up. In other words, he'll be back. Like Terminator.

7. Repeat where necessary.

QED is it not?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My Girl

The first time I meet my god daughter 3 months after she was born. In a sense, I'm almost grateful for the near fatal heart-attack that forced me out of the office.

the first time I'm carrying her, and I am terrified.

I think she's kinda worried about me too.

Much happier in mommy's hands

My sis and I agreed, that when she grows up, she'll open a florist next to her place. I will open a consulting office, for all the broken hearts of those poor boys that get rejected.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Gah-Men Thinks We Are Stupid

You know what, I just about had it. Drill a hole in my wallet, and fuck around with my life. Play God if it's all I care.

But don't insult my intelligence while you're at it.

I can stand it if our taxes are raised, even though we are running on a tax 20% surplus nearly every single year since independance. I can even accept that the powers that be change rules on a whim and leaches you for every single cent you have for their own coffers.

But for FUCK's sake, don't pretend that "it's for my own good!"

Proof you say? Sure. Let me give you proof.

1. Zoning laws are changed every election for efficiency's sake. Strangely enough, every GRC that is opposition-controlled, or declined in support of the ruling party, has its area reduced, split up or amalgated into those with strong support. Marine Parade Town Council now manages Serangoon Garden. The nearest body of water is that which is in the fish tank at home.

2. Sengkang is an integrated new town. The LRT stations run AROUND the estate. Most of the people stay in the MIDDLE of the estate.

3. The NEL is a frigging automated system, one can reduce manpower costs and make the trains run more efficiently, and hence the trips are cheaper. The project was finished S$5 BILLION under budget, almost a year late, and every train has 1 or 2 men in green. A precaution in case the trains break down. Brilliant.

4. ERP is suppose to reduce road tax and make car ownership more accessible. For all the bloody gantries that came up, road tax was reduced by an insignificant amount,for a stupid amount of extra charges through ERP. Inefficiency? or sheer ass stupidity.

5. Long time ago, we were told that using the EZlink system, everyone pays the correct fares, and thus can help reduce the overall cost of buses and public transport. In fact, there was one time bus fares was raised for the reason that dishonest commuters are costing millions of dollars to bus companies. Bus fares have NEVER decreased for a period of 25 years.

6. SMRT raised prices of train fares shortly after SARS ended, quoting the reason that they are making losses and are unable to sustain operations at current levels. 3 cents increase conservatively equals to a S$200,000 increase in revenue per DAY AT NO INCREASE IN COST. After intense rebuttal, they published a statement in the papers, citing the writing off of 17 new trains to the tune of $237 MILLION dollars as expense, as a reason for increasing fares. If any private company did this, ACRA would be down their necks faster that the alien in AVP.

7. ERP gantries are popping up everywhere and it's not due to the monsoon season. The reason is to regulate traffic flow and prevent congestion. I urge the Minister of Transport to drive from Yishun to his office in town for a month. After that, tell me how ERP has improved traffic flow in the peak hours.

8. CPF is suppose to be for our old age. It's suppose to be our money. I dare anyone to try going to a bank and borrowing money, using our CPF as collateral.

This are just SOME examples that show that either a) the powers that be don't have a high regard for our own people's intelligence, or b) they are overpaying their PR and corporate comms team.

So yeah, go ahead and do what you want with the country. Just don't try to convince me it's for my own good, and that if I leave this country, I'm a quitter.

Monday, January 14, 2008

An Analogy For Singapore's Education System

Once upon a time, there were 3 birds. Yes, Avians. Get your minds out of the gutter dammit. They were Ostrich, Duck and Eagle. Now these 3 are really good friends and they wanted to really excel in their lives.

And since all 3 of them believe in the power education, they decided to enroll into the world's most prestigous Bird School, at the world-class Jurong Bird Park in the fair city of Singapore.

Now there were 3 compulsary courses in BS, because they insisted that you be given a well rounded education. Swimming, Running and Flying. This (or so the prospectus reads) gives an excellent grounding for the bird in you to meet all the challenges of your life. Master air, land and sea, and really let your potential shine through!

The 3 friends are obviously really excited when they entered the school and were looking forward to "let their potential shine through". They're set up for life, provided of course they ace their modules.

First was a class in swimming. Duck excelled at it. Ostrich managed to struggle through, mostly by sheer strength of her hind legs. Eagle, now poor eagle nearly drowned in the pool. He was reprimanded and brought to the side and told that he's not trying hard enough, and that he really needs to buck up if he's to make it.

Next, was running. Ostrich tore ahead in the course. Eagle managed to bungle through, barely. But poor duck. With his feet so wonderful for swimming, he he was brought in for disciplinary action because he just can't make it on land. And after all his webbed feet are cut and bleeding for trying his best.

The last and final chapter, was flying. Eagle soared. Finally, something he's good at. Duck did pretty alright. Now ostrich, ostrich LOOKED like she was flying on land, but he's just not taking off, no matter how hard she tried. She flunked that class. Big time.

All in all, the 3 friends after 2 years in the system come to the conclusion that they really aren't all rounded students, and pretty much sucked at the majority of things that the school believed to be important. On average, each of them had a barely passing grade from school.

All 3 of them eventually were stuck in dead-end jobs that used NONE of the knowledge they gained from their all round education, and felt pretty shitty about themselves till the end of their days.

The moral of this story? You decide.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

I was never much of a spectator sport person. But after graduating from school, there are certain advantages to watching a basketball game at 30, compared to watching the Inter-School Basketball competition, A Division.
I call them the 4 Bs. They are...

Courtesy of Qiaoyun


A Picture is worth a thousand words. A video is worth a thousand pictures.

Video courtesy of Jean

Putting a face to the name is all good. Putting a person to the face is even better.

Thank you all for the memories.

Andy, Hillary, Nic, Jean, Alice, Jason, Qiaoyun, Sabrina, Lenny and all those others I did not have an opportunity to talk to.

Qiaoyun again. She and her camera are never far apart.

OH FINALLY, Basketball.

I may suck at it. But that does not mean I do not appreciate a good lay-up, or an alley hoop. OR the chance to shout "Referee Kayu!!!"

Jason has a damn good camera, hair-trigger finger, and unlimited film.

I am a child of the days where Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson ruled the courts after all.

Going to the Game on Sunday after work. WHOOT!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Does This BLOODY make sense?

"Hi, can I check with you if the function room is booked for this Sunday?"

"No, sir. There are no bookings on Sunday."

"Great! I would like to make a reservation for it please."

"Which day would you want to make a reservation for?"


"Sunday. The coming Sunday."

"I'm afraid you can't do that sir."

"Why not?"

"Because you need to book 2 weeks in advance."

(double tahan)

"But nobody has it for this Sunday right?"

"Yes, but it's protocol."

(finds a pail of water, sticks hand in water. Water boils)

"Is there anyone I can speak to, to expedite the process?"

"I'm afraid not."

(water dries up. starts loading shot gun rounds)

"Well can you expedite the process?"

"The fastest will be one week sir."

(snaps shotgun together with a satisfying click)

"But there's nobody booking the place!"

"Yes, sir."

"So what do you do if there is no booking? Leave it empty?"

"Yes, sir."

(slings shotgun on shoulder, tightens boots, gets ready to head off to war)

I eventually got the function room. 5 years coming out from the civil sector. I am reminded again why it was I left in the first place. No, they do not allow anyone in an hour before to set up. It's protocol. And they may ruin their manicures to set that up.

Friday, January 04, 2008

How's F***ing in Austria?

This reminds me of the time when I was in Hell, Norway. Population 2,436. It was actually quite pretty. Cold though.

Strange thing is, there was a sign there that said, Hell Gods Expedition.

How can you not love the English language?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

5 Ways to Make S$1 Million in 2008

1. Get on AMERICA'S version of The Amazing Race and Win it.

2. Survivor Singapore. Oh don't have ah? Dammit.

3. Take $10 million and go into a casino. You'd probably win 1 mil but lose the 10, but hey, you won.

4. Pray to Tee Kong every day, and spend every single cent you have buying ToTo tickets, 4D, and Big Sweep.

5. Go to a Slingers game, register at the website, and then sink the shot. It takes ohhh... 30 seconds max I guess... That means that your income for the year 2008 is a cool $120 million an hour. Wah... more than Bill Gates man.

Btw, in case you need to know how it's done,

Oh, and I was given signs in a dream to help you future millionaires along. The answer is... the exact number of full stops on this post. Start counting!

And here's more impressive shots, proving not only can it be done, it can be done in STYLE. The warning in front? What warning in front? Heh heh heh ;)

1 Down...

It was hard, but after dodging and hiding, ducking and weaving... I. Did. It.

Didn't get plastered on NYE. 364 days to go.

2 running bets right now, any one else? Heh heh heh.