The musings of a overworked, under-rested mind goes online. Bringing a couple of smiles and perhaps inspire a few ideas, and get some inspiration back. And if you believe this will make me talk less, there's a bridge over in London I'd like to sell you. Cheap.
Okay, I'm gonna throw this out there and see what kind of response I get.
Anyone who tells me they need a hug, or know someone who needs one, let me know. Here, by email, text, FB, whatever. I'll go and deliver that hug in person within the next 1 month.
Limit to Singapore for now, okay? Need to get my passport back first...
It's always the periods that we are the most down, that we learn the most isn't it? If so, there MUST be a lesson in reaching out, and getting the stuffing knocked out of me, losing my passport and wallet, stranded alone in another country.
I realize, that at a fundamental level, I have been hiding. Hiding is easiest when it's done to yourself. Keeping feelings inside, and bottled up because I do not want to acknowledge them. I am lonely, sometimes more than others. I feel that I am not worthy and I limit myself. I am afraid.
It's terrifying to confront the fact, that maybe this low-level superhero isn't so super. That he gets scared, or feels inadequate, or is lonely even though he's the friendliest person in the room and can connect with anyone and everyone.
So I hide. I used to be able to dance without alcohol. To make the conscious decision to lower my walls and my inhibitions, and just dance and experience the music. But with booze, it's just so much easier isn't it? 3 drinks later, the walls are easily lowered, and stays down. And we think we can enjoy the music that much more.
But we don't.
We cannot numb the bad feelings, the awkwardness and the embarrassment without simultaneously dulling our connections to the music, and the pleasure of being present in the moment. Funny, by drinking, we are present in the moment, but also our senses are dulled and we cannot enjoy the moment fully.
But it was the easier way out. So over time, the conscious decision to lower my guard becomes the conscious decision to get another pint, or three. It becomes almost a need to get some every time or else I can't really dance or enjoy the music. Is it an addiction? I don't know. But I recognize, and it got me a little appalled I gotta say. There are other distractions of course, for my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. Booze just isn't gonna cut it for those.
It's a hard thing to put down and acknowledge to myself. I thought I got it sorted out, but I guess not yet. I guess it takes as long as it does.
And then I watch this video from Brene Brown on being vulnerable. And her Ted Talk addressing shame. They both hit me like a ton of bricks. It is hard to be open and vulnerable. It is hard because we have to live with uncertainty. It's hard to put yourself out there and love without walls and without certainty. It is hard to be real.
So we all hide. Behind walls, distractions, relationships, sex, work... just anything really, to keep ourselves from dealing with it. It's just TOO hard. Not to say those aren't legitimate things to enjoy, but when they're used to be distracted...
Now that that's out in the open, I going to experience them fully, so that they too can pass. When I can become truly comfortable in my own company, and know that I am truly awesome, maybe then I'll be ready for that person that comes into my life.
And here's my commitment. To fully experience everything that life throws at me. To revel in the moment, whatever it be. Good or bad, now I will tell the story of who I am, with my whole heart. Flawed and small it might be. Life is my arena. Whether I fail or succeed in love, life or career, there's only one way to live, and that's to be real and vulnerable, and daring greatly.
So next projects, giving the best hugs in the world, and see if my instructor will take me for the Iron Palm training for the next 6 months. Oh, and see if I can get my tango legs back.
It's been 35 years since I've walked on this earth, and there are a good number of things I have learnt about this emotion they call fear. It is a useful emotion, like pain. But like pain, it should never be indulged. Here are a few of those lessons.
Fear is as real as you allow it to be. Don't ever diss a person's fear. It is real as far as he or she is concerned.
Logic does not banish fear. Logic, brain. Fear, emotion. Wrong body part.
Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the willingness to take action in spite of fear.
Bungee jumping does not cure one's fear of heights. Believe me, I tried.
No decision made in fear will ever be the right one. It might not be wrong. But it'll never be right.
I believe that fear, like problems cannot be overcome at the same level of emotional maturity that created it.
Fear is a habit. As such, anything that can be used to change habit can be used to overcome fear.
I am still afraid nowadays. It seems like the more I care about something, the more fear I have. The answer of course, is not to NOT care. But to do something, anything in spite of being absolutely terrified. And very often, the closer you get to facing that which you fear, you realize, that it starts to go away.
And after a while, you come out the other side, buzzed on adrenaline, and thirsty for a beer.
