Freedom

I'm do not understand people who say that they need to get away, and take a trip. How does one escape from one's mind?

To explore, have new experiences, to meet people and have a jolly good time, sure. To change the environment so as to get an epiphany, absolutely. Go travel.

But if you can't escape your mind, it doesn't matter where you go. A new country, another city, it's all the same. The greatest escape is right there between your ears, as is the strongest of prisons.

That's why the prisoner in the tower watches the flight the birds.

When your soul is unfettered, nobody and nothing can tie you down, and the rest is just, fiddly bits.

Forgetting Your Purpose

Originally, transport companies were privatized to make them more efficient. I remember when I was in school, I was taught that privatization was done because profit makes it an easy way for infrastructure services like power, water and transport to be motivated enough to streamline their offerings and push the companies to function better.

However, there is one assumption.

That the gah-men maintains control on these companies and they do not forget their purpose.

However, when these companies focus too hard on the bottomline, and forget what they were originally set up to do, we have a problem that looks strikingly like what we have now.

Actually, I don't even blame the transport companies. They are just the most recent ones to get flak for system-wide amnesia.

Telcos done it. Singtel, according to a lot of my friends have become so incredibly unresponsive, and complacent that in many places in Singapore, the reception and 3G internet speeds are pathetic. It's even scarier when you consider that Singtel is the one that maintains all the repeater stations in Singapore. The customer service in Singtel, has cause some to consider them Stink-tel.

They forget that they do not answer to the shareholders. They answer to the people of Singapore, whose taxes was used to create the company in the first place.

Comfort Delgro FINALLY realizes that they are having a problem retaining their taxi drivers and getting them to drive on rainy days. But they don't think that the reason for that, is because the draconian rules they impose or the ridiculous fare structures they insist on implementing.

They forget that they are at core a company that caters to the infrastructure of Singapore.

Politicians forget. That the reason why Singaporeans are so yielding is because when the nation of Singapore was formed, we submitted because of a social contract. One that is not explicitly written, but holds true nonetheless. That we give up the power to do exactly what we like, when we like, and in return the powers that be do what's the best for US, to the best of their ability. For that, we are a democracy run like a monarchy (I'd say dictatorship, but it's not passed from father to son).

Now, it's about being somebody, rather than doing something. No, you cannot fake "giving a damn". Eventually, you'll ALWAYS be found out. So much the faster when you stick your foot in your mouth on a regular basis.

NTUC has forgotten that it is the check and balance when it comes to representing the people that cannot be represented. For the little guy. It's forgotten because it's more profitable to run supermarkets, and it's been too long since it's been called to do anything related to its name, the National Trade Union Cooperative.

So, it just mouth the words that were given to it, and it's pretty much become a toothless tiger. When the Ministry of Manpower does nothing but facilitate business, the police enforce written law, without understanding the spirit of it, the National Wage Council (yes, there is such a thing) advice is so much smoke, who do the little people turn to when there is wrongdoing? Nobody.

The press has forgotten for a long time. There has not been independent reporting in this country for a long, long time. Words get twisted out of context, irrelevant news get blown out of proportion, and things that are of concern are sidelined.

Nowadays, Facebook's timeline give me a better view of the world than the Straits Times, and that's a sad, sad fact indeed.

Watchdog bodies have forgotten that their job is to ensure state run enterprises remember their purpose. A monopoly or an oligopoly is allowed because it is suppose to be more efficient under real world circumstances. But seriously, what is the fine of $100,000 when the daily takings of a transport company is in the millions? Not even a slap on the wrist. When watchdog bodies have no teeth, and their bark is worse than their bite, who remembers them?

Transport companies forgot that they are suppose to manage and maintain infrastructural efficiency in Singapore so we, the citizens and residents of Singapore can do our busy bee impression and work for Singapore, Incorporated. When transport prices keep going up, and there is absolutely no apparent increase in efficacy, we ask, exactly what are the transport companies doing? Are they suppose to manage the infrastructure, which is paid for by the taxes of the people in the first place, or are they suppose to just manage the profit? What's the company doing with the profits anyway, if not to reinvest into making Singapore's transport network that much better?

Now, transport companies raise prices, which the PTC almost automatically agrees to, and we, the citizens of Singapore, not only paid to create the infrastructure, also pays to maintain and upgrade it. Where does the  profits go to? Lord only knows, but I thought I saw this on an episode of Hustle once.

Has the authorities related to housing and development forgotten? I think so. When prices of flats are through the roof, that the idea of having a place to stay is so far out of your mind if you're under 40 years old right now, one must wonder, what is the purpose of flats that are constructed with the money of the people, and then sold back to them at a MASSIVE profit again? Perhaps it is to show the world bank that Singapore has the most number of millionaires in the world, and most of these millionaires are rich because of a lease. No, not ownership. A lease. Yes, people who live in HDB flats, HDB is still your landlord, just because it doesn't say so on paper doesn't make it any different.

We, the people, have forgotten. Haven't we? Governments should fear the people, not the other way around. We have forgotten we can do something about this. We believe the press when it said that the President is a ceremonial role, and not the most powerful person in the land because he is the one that holds the veto vote in any parliamentary decision. We forget that the one that holds the purse strings very often holds the power to force government ministries to remember and act for the good of the people. We forget that the President holds the power to change key gahmen figures, and they are appointed by his approval, yes, including the Prime Minister.

The President of Singapore is suppose to represent the people, and when the people forget, apparently, so does the one that represents them.

The powers of the Singapore President, as it is written on Wikipedia, includes appointing the Prime Minister without consultation with ANYONE. 

So right now, where I stand, the land where I was born and raised, is one that I live in. Not because of any great love for the land, because it has forgotten itself, but because it is expedient, and because I hold on desperately to  hope, that one day, it might remember.

Love Is Like A BBQ...

No, seriously. I've been giving it some thought now, and you know, I'm seeing a lot of similarity.

The Beginning - The Fire

The start of any relationship is often the most exciting. The fire burns incredibly bright, the couple can't get enough of each other, and seem stuck together like glue. They shout to the world that they're in LOVE, and since once is never enough, they do it over and over again.

The beginning the any good BBQ fire, you know, is fire. Burning high and bright, this is the visually the most exciting part of the whole evening. Not particularly useful when it comes to cooking, but it sure looks damn good.

Keep the fire at this level, and you realize that your charcoal burns out quickly, your food gets charred, and you'll end up hungry. Starting to see a similarity?

The Middle - The Heat

Anybody who has stood next to a BBQ pit will tell you that when the fire dies down, and the coals are red hot, that's when the pit is ready for the good stuff. Just because the fire is gone, don't mean the heat is. In fact, if anything, the grill is now even hotter than before.

This heat cooks everything, and a with a little patience, you can get incredible results. Perfectly done steak, vegetables slightly charred on the outside, but sweet and juicy on the inside, even clams and stingray, if you have aluminium foil.

Oh you get the occasional spurt of fire, especially if the grease drips off and into the flame, but hey, it just serves to add flavour and colour.

Keeping the grill hot at this point is not difficult. Conscientiously adding some charcoal now and then, and a few quick strokes of the fan, you can keep the grill going the entire night.

When it comes to the relationship between two people, well, the similarity is quite obvious isn't it? After the initial adrenaline rush, and mind-blowing excitement, the relationship matures to a slow, but intense burn.

Two people start finding out more about each other, intimacy deepens (no, not just the sex. Get your mind out of the gutter!), and they accept each other for who they really are, and in the words of my dear beloved sister, they would even start to grow together.

Sure there are flare-ups and arguments on occasion, but it just serves to spice up the relationship, and yes, do NOT get complacent. Be grateful, enjoy, keep the fire stoked and it will last a long time.

The End - Walking Away

At the end of the BBQ, we usually just let the fire burn down. Sure you can quench the coals, but that often leaves a bigger mess. When the charcoal is neglected, it dies. Slowly, the fuel burns to ash, and without anything new being added, it fades off, becomes a memory, and dispersed by the wind.

When two people stop working on the relationship, and leave it be, the relationship begins to cool off and fade. After some time, without a little care and concern, complacency kills the relationship and the end is nigh.

I do not think that there is ever, the ONE, at least not for me. Just like there is no one perfect BBQ. There is however, times where it comes pretty close, and sometimes, even after the meal ends, the tastes and the memories remain.

Still, that just makes for an even better meal next time, yes?

Women Are To Be Loved...

Not understood. This is my new mantra. Oscar Wilde is a smart man.

Boys, certain things work. Don't ask why. Just know that they do, and use it. Kinda like driving a car from Point A to Point B. You don't have to figure out the physics and chemistry that go into making the engine, like Nike says, Just Do It.

1. Chocolates almost always work. Have an emergency stash of her favourites around at all times.
2. She will shop. Always. Bring a Book.
3. She. Comes. First. The only exceptions are when she says so. This is non-negotiable.
4. When she rants, listen. Offer sayang before you offer solutions.
5. Make her look good on the dance floor, and every man will look at her. Every woman, would look at YOU.

Once I find out other things, I'll put it up.

Want Racial Harmony, Build Hawker Centres

There has been a lot of talk about race and stuff recently with all the frigging debacles around. I have only one thing to say.

If I was the CEO of NTUC, I'd have fired her too. Not for racist sentiments. Oh no. I'd fire her, because she just proven that her IQ is comparable to her shoe size, and for being a complete fuckwit. I don't know and don't care what your inclinations are, but to put it up on Facebook? Find me a soft wall so I can hit my head gently against it.

But let's consider the bigger picture. Racism in Singapore. Are we going to be like the States? And we become so incredibly sensitive about race, and make such a big deal about avoiding it? Is there no better model?

One already exists. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Singapore Hawker Centre.

I have, in times past, told many of my overseas friends that the hawker centre is the sign of a truly integrated society where regardless of race, language or religion, good food is good food, and everybody drinks Tiger.

I mean seriously. If I, a Chinese boy, decides to buy nasi lemak, does anyone bat an eyelid? No. If my Malay friends decides to get some vegetarian zi-char, nobody cares except, "nice or not?" and seriously, EVERYONE EATS PRATA! And all of this happens under one roof!

The Chinese stalls are next to Indian stalls, which is next to the sarabat stall, and nobody says ANYTHING for the longest time! Why are we being all sensitive now? We are colourblind when it comes to food, why should it be different for anything else in the world?

And honestly, Malay, Chinese, Indian, who cares? When it comes to food, good is good. When it comes to people, same thing. Simple, no?

Ambiguous Question

I have a problem with the "Have you had casual sex in the last 6 months?" question on the blood donation card. I am ALWAYS serious about sex.

The Job Of A Trainer

Is to see things for what they are, and people for who they are. Then have the belief that they can be better. And THEN hopefully the tools for the job.

The Inscurity Blanket

Insecurity. So prevalent, it is almost a pre-requisite for being human. We all have a little of it, and the way it influences ou actions and thoughts often impacts how we live our lives and treat the people around us.

Recently I noticed that we like to wrap this insecurity about us. Like the oppsite of Linus' security blanket, or the direct opposite of rose tinted glasses. And strangely enough, just like the opposite of rose tinted glasses, we often turn this view inwards.

Why is insecurity so comforting that we would rather wrap ourselves up in it than shed it aside and see things for what they really are? Why does a strong man want to think of himself weak? Or a beautiful woman ugly, a rich person poor, or a powerful one, impotent?

I have it as well. My little shred of an insecurity blanket. I was asked in two days, by two different people why it is that I'm lounging. And maybe, just maybe I'm slacking because I have tried to aim for the stars at one time, fell badly, and now instead of standing at the precipice, ready to take another plunge, I am scared to even approach the edge, and am just comfortable where it's safe.

Perhaps it is the idea of with great power comes great responsibility. That if we acknowledge ourselves to be capable, we then become duty bound to exercise our gifts. And in that exercise, we have to acknowledge that we might possibly have a responsibility to ethics.

I have always held Marianne Williamson's quote from "A Return to Love" close to my heart, and I realize now that it might not be a poem for all of us, even though it was written that way. It is for the people who are finally willing to shed their insecurity blankets and live it up. For the ones who are kicking ass and taking names.

I am reminded again, that before we become, it must first be real inside our heads. Once it is real inside, reality will catch up. That, is the simplest, and the hardest lesson of all.

From Marianne Williamson's "A Return To Love"

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Being Christian

Folks that know me now often find it hard to believe I'm Christian. A good number think it hard to believe I actually have a heart. Or a brain. But we'll leave those discussions for another day.

Right now, it's just certain realizations about my ideas on Christianity that I had over the years. It might be sacrilegious to some. But fuck it. These are my views and I'm sticking by them.

1. There are only two commandments in the New Testament. Three if you count the Great Commission. To love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul, and to love your neighbour as yourself. Everything else is just good advice.

2. It's a personal relationship between God and me. It's not your business, really. If you tell me I shouldn't be doing this or should be doing that, I ask, "Your opinion or God's?" We can agree to disagree on a lot of things. It's not personal. I am not going to go bitch to God and go, "Don't let him into Heaven just cos he's doing this and that". I'd appreciate you to do the same. Even if you do, I'm going to smile politely, nod, and let you finish then I'll tell you I don't answer to you.

3.  God is not your personal bitch. You can ask for a lot of things. But in the end, the masochistic, hard headed streak in all of us means that a lot of lessons need to be hammered in. And depending on the thickness of our skulls, the size of the hammer varies. We learn our best lessons when they are delivered through the pain in our lives.

4.  That said, there are infinite blessings out there for you if only you are willing to believe that God is more than happy to give you everything you want, including contentment and happiness. But also understand with great blessings come great responsibility. Learn to be thankful.

5. "I'm a Christian, Unless You're Gay"  echoes something that I've been telling my friends for years now. One time, there was a sermon I heard in church. It's about love. And how love is not romantic like the kinds you find in romance novels. It's dirty, grimy, stinky. It gets you hurt. It takes a ton of work. It is frustrating and painful. It's not pretty or glamorous. That's what real love is like. And anybody who's been a caregiver, parent or a friend in need knows this. Jesus was among the outcast, the lepers, the crippled, the worn out and the ones that sinned. If you don't use that as your example, then exactly who ARE you using?

6. No I can't make sense of speaking in tongue. But I'm not gonna diss you if you do. If you ask me, we'll engage in a discussion. You worship your own way. I do it mine. Whatever is acceptable, it's not either of our call, is it? God saw fit to only judge at the end of days. What gives you the right to do otherwise?

7. Being a Christian is simple, not easy. Kinda like lifting a car engine. Let's not complicate matters and make it more difficult than it already is, yeah?

8. No, it does not answer all the questions in the world. At least for me, just the important ones. The rest are just "fiddly bits". If we differ on faith, that's your decision. We can have a discussion on differences. But in the end, I realize that I'm never gonna convince you to convert, neither are you going to do that to me.

9. The Great Commission is to spread the word. Not ram it down people's throats. Conversion is not your job. Don't make it yours.

10. I believe in Creation, even if I am still trying to figure out the timeline. Yes, evolution is ALSO based on faith.

There... here are my 10 realizations through the years. In the words of Craig Ferguson, "I look forward to your emails."

There Was A Time...

There was a time when the leaders of Singapore were clear about what their job was, and the words of the pledge meant something to them.

There was a time, when from the people, by the people, for the people means that the elected leaders also have the responsibility that comes with the power of leadership, and it was a burden as much as it was a privilege.

There was a time, when the words being a leader means someone who stands up for the people he is a leader for. He leads by example, and in return, the people gave loyalty, and privileges to he or she who is the leader. The pirate chief gets double share, the CEO gets a bigger salary package and even the person who fronts the team in class gets extra points for additional responsibility.

The sword of leadership cuts both ways.

Many times, people have said, "Actions speak louder than words." And after the words being spoken during the election, the actions are sadly less than forthcoming.

Public transport in Singapore has been the talk of town for a while now. But frankly, it's just the most recent of a symptom of a worrying trend that has been going on for a while.

I have never asked for much from any government. I ask nothing from it, neither do I give it much credence. Unlike many of my peers who expect the powers that be to coddle and pamper me, and then fault them for everything including the mysterious losing of one sock in the washing machine, all I ask for is simple. Maintain stability and just make sure that the economic playing field is flat.

But that's not happening is it? Because right now, actions seem to be saying, "we're in change. Now suck it up because you have to."

Thank You

I've never been in the habit to write a birthday post, and this is not one. The date is just a coincidence.


For someone who pioneered the "Vandalin", it is ironic that at the end of my 33rd birthday, I find myself doing the exact opposite. I am incredibly, ridiculously, completely awake, listening to music and revisiting memories.

With the lenses of hindsight, accumulated experience, with maybe a tiny speck of wisdom and awareness, I review certain lessons have been hammered into my thick skull over the last few years, and would like to take the opportunity to express my thanks.

Thank you, dad and mom. I love you. More than you ever know.
Thank you, my dear brother. We are almost polar opposites but you have always got my back. Know that I have yours too.
Thank you my family. My enormous family of cousins, uncles, aunts and now, nieces. You provide colour and meaning to my life. I have learnt much from each and everyone of you through our conversations. I will continue to learn more.

Thank you my friends. Past, present and future. You have all made an impact in my life one way or another. My life is infinitely richer for you having been in it.
Thank you to the ones I have loved. Memories, lessons, and most of all, thank you for the opportunity to intimately share part of life's journey.
Thank you colleagues and mentors. I am grateful for the gift of your knowledge. And now friends and family have to put up with my smart ass-ery. Heh heh heh...

My birthday, I made a wish. It is not for me. I am already well and truly blessed. I pray it comes true.

The Little Lies and The Big Ones That Matter

This is why we need fantasy. We need to start to believe in the little lies, in order to believe in the big ones.

Facts are facts, but they only serve to outline brushstrokes of what IS. The important things, things like truth, beauty, love or mercy, is what the person fills in, and in doing, defines himself.

Taking A Stand

I voted.

For the first time in 33 years, after bearing arms for the nation, kopi tiam discussions, rants, raves and opinions, bitching and not-an-insignificant amount of apathy, I was up at 8am, and I voted.

It was a simple 3 minute process, and it seems almost... anti-climatic honestly. Nevertheless, the sense of me doing something for myself, and deciding my own fate stayed with me even after I dropped the white slip of paper into the box.

A milestone in nation building? Definitely. It feels like we, as a nation has come to a crossroad. Stay safe, or venture out into the unknown? Now we can truly say, we decide.

We, the citizens of Singapore
Pledge ourselves to be ONE UNITED PEOPLE
REGARDLESS of race, language or religion. 
To build a DEMOCRATIC society.
Based on JUSTICE, and EQUALITY, 
So as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress
FOR OUR NATION.

"CRAB" Service

Now generally, I have no complaints about service in Singapore. Seriously. I'm an easygoing kinda guy, and if I happen to go a few more times to a place, I end up knowing more of the staff by name anyway. Nevertheless, last Friday was like a textbook case of things NOT to do. And so, consider this my public service as a corporate trainer, on a cautionary tale of bad service.

It was a typical muggy night in Singapore. My three friends and I were looking for a place for dinner, and we figured to head to town. Eventually, after some deliberation, we decided on Standing Sushi near Singapore Art Museum. The evening starts off normal. We were shown our seats, our orders taken, and our drinks served.

And here is where things started going downhill. But let's have some positive lessons anyway.


Lesson 1: If the staff forgets an order, let the customer know.

We can all understand that when it comes to busy periods, things get left out. But honestly, if a zi char uncle at a kopitiam can remember table number, special orders, and a million other nitty gritty details, a restaurant that charges 10% service and 7% GST, has an order form, and only 4 tables to serve for the evening should be able to get the orders right the first time.

Nevertheless, if a server has really forgotten orders, basic service recovery dictates service staff to apologize, reassure the customer that the ticket has gone in RIGHT NOW, and how long it will take for the order to be processed. Do not leave a customer hanging. It irritates the hell out of the person, especially if he or she is hungry.

If a customer has to ask three times for the same item, seriously BAD idea, and "coming, coming" is only acceptable in a hawker centre. 

I once remember eating at Pierside Kitchen and Bar where the chef sent complimentary crabcakes because the appetizers would be delayed by ten minutes. That was served to my table 10 minutes after the orders went in. It was at least 4 years ago, but I remember it to this day.

Lesson 2: If the missing dish is not served by the END of the meal, it's too late to serve it by then.

Of course it takes some time for the kitchen to prepare any dish, especially when the order is missed out at the start. But if you have already cleared the table of everyone else at the table, it is generally way too late to serve the dish.

Ask your customer if he or she would still like it served. If not, suck it up. The fault was yours in the first place. And never EVER make it sound like you are doing your customer a favour when you tell them you're not charging them for the dish.

Lesson 3: Even if the fault was not yours, say "I'm Sorry."

And if the fault is yours, all the more, apologize. And whatever the customer demands, do not come across condescending and never EVER use the phrase, "if you want to complain, never mind one, go ahead."

Seriously, the hole is deep enough, you really do not have to dig it any deeper.

Lesson 4: It is NEVER about the money.

It is never about not getting charged for an item not served, nor is it about the $20 for soft shelled crab. It is about making sure that your customers know that you value them. And the higher one charges, the more customers expect. And yes, one massively pissed off customer can do worlds of damage to a restaurant's reputation.

Lesson 5: Arguing with your customer is ALWAYS a bad idea. 

The absolute WORST idea in the entire book, is actually arguing with your customer.

Telling your customer, "You ordered at 8:45 and the time now is 9pm, and your friends have finished for some time, that's not half an hour." then after that going into the kitchen, taking out only ONE ticket for the missing item, waving it in the face of the customer, and smugly going, "see the ticket says 845" is not only calling your customer a liar in his face, being completely biased, and all in all, a really really stupid move.

Even if it was the customer's fault for being demanding, and expecting his food served in five or ten minutes, that is the customer's prerogative. To be arguing about timing after taking orders, serving everyone else at the table, have everyone finish eating both appetizers AND main course, and clearing the table with a hungry customer who's obviously peeved because he is unable to have dinner WITH his friends and would have to eat all by himself if he chose to accept the order, is nothing short of suicidal.

So at the end of the evening, does it really matter then who's right, and who's wrong, or even if they waived the charges for the rice or for anything else. The fact of the matter is that the evening was spoilt by $20, and there is a good chance I shall never, ever eat there again. On top of that, good chance, neither are any of my friends.

And that, my friends is a story of bad service, and the lessons we can take away.

Current Speculations

Outside of work, here are the thoughts that are currently running through my head.

1. You know how it is that success coaches like asking this question, "if you do not have any limit on money and time, what would you do?" How would you change if you removes the limit on youth and time, if you can live forever.

2. To what extent is one willing to go to prolong life before morality kicks in?

3. Do women feel the need to dumb down when they are with guys? Do men feel the need to "macho up" in the presence of attractive women? How are these actions, if there were any, actually perceived by the other parties? 

No thought killer application to shut them down leh...

Tis Is The Day

Game Face On
Today, 2011 truly begins.

Some dreams are shelved for now.
Some emotions put on hold.
Some energies redirected.

There is work to do, trash to take out and butts to kick.
Welcome to the first day of the next 5 years.
Welcome to another milestone in life.

In the words of my old platoon commander before a full pack fast march at dawn, "This is gonna be fun."

What Is Love?

What is love, that makes it the simplest, and the most complicated emotion in the world to understand?
What is love, that makes someone go through hell and high water, and be willing to try again?
What is love, that brings two people together and keeps them together even though logic dictates otherwise?
What is love, that make strangers friends, and friends become lovers, while others falter?
What is love, that makes someone choose a football club, a country, a discipline or a sport, or a person over all others?

What is love, that makes a person try, and keep trying, even though his efforts are doomed from the start?
What is love, that it never, ever matters the circumstances where it starts, or who it is, as long the end IS love?
What is love, that makes one dream more significant than all the others, and we burn our lives chasing it and count it well spent?
What is love, that makes us find beauty in ordinary things, and the holding of two hands the most intimate of human contact?
What is love, that pushes two people to dedicate their lives into a commitment to each other?
What is love, that makes it the root of the most painful and most pleasurable feelings in the human vocabulary and experience?
What is love, that makes all the analysis of a relationship, all the articles and research written on it, redundant?

What is love, that for all the qualities one can name for another that you like, none of them are the reason why you love them?
What is love, that for all the restlessness and need in the human soul, one can finally put down his burden and go, "I am home", even if for a moment?

What is love, that for all the rules in the world that one sets for oneself, eventually there is only one. The heart wants what the heart wants. End of story.

All I know now, after 32 years, is that I have no answers.
All I know, is that it is exceedingly rare, heart-stoppingly beautiful and precious.
All I know, is that love has no reason, and that as long as it exists, no matter how torn and battered it might be, give it every single opportunity to thrive and grow. And if it is already dead, then nothing one can do can bring it back to life.

For those of you who have a special someone, I envy you. I read a quote once, that the only time in life when you have problems is when you're dead. Such is love. The day you have no more trouble from love, is the day that love is dead.

I would take all the issues, baggage, fights, quarrels, pain, anger and tribulation, for that one chance to love and be loved. And if you have it or a chance at it, dear reader. Treasure it. Guard it with your life. Don't let pride, anger, history, self doubt, jealousy, or the mundaneness of everyday life kill it. At the same time, if it is not there, let go. But after you have tried every. single. thing.

And if ever you or your significant other forget, refer him or her to me. I'll set ya'll straight in a jiffy.

Alone Again, Naturally.

I am happy for the both of you. It is easier to be angry, to rant, and to jump and walk away. Anger is a much simpler solution. But I cannot. It feels right, even to me. The conviction, the openness, I would have given anything and everything for it to be for me. But hey, Good Luck Ed eh?

I envy those with a special someone. I read somewhere that the only time when you have no more trouble in your life, is when you die. Well, guess what, same thing with relationships. And I'll trade every quarrel, every fight, every irritation and rant to have that special someone in my life. So those of you who do, appreciate him or her. If your significant other doesn't appreciate you, send them my way.

Humour is my shield. It's just easier on everyone, and the devil-may-care sometimes funny extroverted clown is a familiar role. Because really, how many people care enough to listen, and understand?

As for opening my heart, well... heh. I don't think I have ever loved someone quite as much. Or saw so much of myself in someone. I don't think I will, for a long, long time to come.

It's time to go back to being alone again. Oh I'll be fine. I'll feel sorry for myself and be lonely on my own time rather than burden those around me with it. Permit me one night to grief. One night to let it all hang loose and be sad and sorry for myself. One night where I wrap my loneliness around me and cry my heart out.

I wish you both the best from the bottom of my heart. Really and truly. I know everything will work out for the both of you. Now wish me back, as empty as it would sound to me right now, that maybe there really is someone out there for me and that I'll find her before long.

Bullseye

I don't subscribe to most personality tests, but this one hits pretty close to the mark. Do your own test here.

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.

Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.

On The Road Again

I remember when I was in Sec 4, I wrote an essay about a backpacker who wandered around the world by himself and while interacting with people, walks off in the sunset by himself. Scored the highest I ever did for an English essay in my life. It was not hard. Three and a half pages writing about myself in an hour flat.

I'm usually seen as an extrovert. Thing is, since young. I had to be extroverted. I think I had a slightly more unsettled time growing up than most. Being friendly and likable was a survival trait. The ability to make small talk a necessary skill.

In university I straddled various cliques. I was closer to certain individuals, but never had a group I could really call my own. Sure it got lonely at times, but it was a price I was willing to pay because I felt it kept me from stagnating, becoming complacent and a box from forming around my mind.

Over the last year, I was in a relationship. It was not a conventional one, but nevertheless the timing of everything seemed like a godsend. The way she fitted against my shoulder amazes me every single time. I thought, here is someone that understands. It was as if I found a twin of my soul that I never knew I had. Lay aside your travels, here is an end of your search. The wanderer has found a companion in his travels.

Alas, it's not to be.

So I guess it's time to move on. Exit stage right, the solitary walk into the sunset or the dark night. Either way, the back is turned, and fades from view, savouring the companion chill of the December rain and denying the comfort of the cloak of self sufficiency and solitude for the moment because it has been a long time since he felt for anyone with this much intensity. 

Thank you for being there when I needed you.
Thank you for a year where ordinary things become beautiful.
Thank you for a million and one things.
Thank you for the pain of leaving, because it reminds me that I can feel again.
And thank you, for making it such that we can still be friends in time to come when I can finally find strength again.

Who knows, maybe paths might one day cross again and different roads may again intertwine.