Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Definitive Guide to Caring for Drunk Friends - Part II

Finally, the CLIMAX of the entire Guide,

Phase 5. Extraction

As per every well planned operation, 6 questions need to be answered.

WHERE? Club to outside the club in the least amount of time. If you ask nicely, some clubs even have staff exits for you to move even faster. ASK.

WHAT? Unconscious friend. Now, some folks are gonna tell ya that they don't wanna be moved, or that they wanna stay and sleep. Now lemme ask you dear wonderful people. When was the last time a drunk person ever made sense? Yup. I thought so. There are times where diplomacy and democracy is NOT the way to go. The person with the loudest voice does not have the biggest vote.

WHO? The best case scenario, we are gonna need 2 people to carry, and 2 to clear the way. Don't have enough people? The bouncers/waiters will help. Trust me. They have better things to do that clean up puke.

WHEN? Half hour before, or 15 minutes after. You don't need a human rush hour to complicate things. If you want to hope, stay as long in the club as you want, and confirm that the person cannot extricate themselves under their own power. Me, if you're actually at this step, it's already a foregone conclusion.

HOW? Pay attention people. Here is where most people fudge it. If the extractee is a guy, and you're definitely gonna need 2 people to drag him out. If the extractee is a gal, all the more you're gonna need 2 people. And as I said, 2 people to clear the way. Anybody who have carried anybody out, knows that this is THE RIGHT WAY.

WHY? You question the master young Padawan? That is alright, I shall explain it to you, only once. Remember the lesson well. Whilst a gal is lighter, extracting a gal requires more.. tact than extracting a guy. Several things may go absolutely wrong, and even if you don't need backup, you need witnesses to prove that you had absolutely no intention of a) letting the entire club know the colour of their undergarments, and b) at no time did you allow your bestial nature to take over and put your paw where it was not specifically requested.


NOW, There are a few methods that I personally recommend. Of which, the HERO lift is NOT one of them.

Don't know what the hero lift is? Go watch any frigging movie. Yah. That way of carrying. It only looks good in the movies, but is completely useless when it comes to carrying the person out. If you really want to, make sure you get it right. It's one hand supporting the upper body across the back, and another at the knees. Oh and do not hold the shoulders. Under the armpit. NOW you know why I mentioned point b under WHY.

The best way to get any person out, are these.

1. The piggy back - Yes, even if it's a gal and wearing a skirt. Simply cos at least your body is blocking the view.

2. The fireman's lift - Yup, sling over the shoulder and move fast. Only disadvantage, is that the shoulder is pushing against the stomach. You might just find out exactly what the person was having for dinner.

3. The Crutch - One person on one side of the body, sling the hands over the shoulder, and pretend to be crutches for the drunk chap.

4. The Swing - One person carries the upper body, and another the lower. The advantage is that if done right, the person can still hold a plastic bag to his own lips.

And so, my friend's buddy who obviously has been working out lifted her using the hero lift. BUT the arms were wrong, and to make sure she's still alive after evacuation, I took over. And almost dropped her on my way out. Not cool. I now remind myself I am not Superman every single day. Her friend however came in to save the day.

I am convinced that my saviour is Super, or at least has been going to the gym a heck of a lot more than I have. (That is not hard. I have never willingly stepped into a gym in my life.)

Right, so there you have it. That's how it's done. Now the next time I'm drunk, Do. It. Right.

All that's left is attempting to convince the uncle in the cab to ferry your drunk friend back home. That dear friends, is another story for another day.

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