Is This For Real? (NSFW)

Okay folks, this link is seriously NSFW, so do NOT open when you're at work. Nevertheless, ladies especially, in the spirit of knowledge, self improvement and an attempt to end to the female frustration, I need to find out.

IS THIS FOR REAL?!!?

Cos if it is, I'm carrying my laptop with my middle and ring finger from now on.

And a quick rant. Why in the world is it so hard to find information on pleasuring women? Men, well... we men are easy, and we have the entire pron industry demonstrating in myriad videos.

But women, it's comparatively scant information on how you like to be pleasured! And to get an educational video? I googled for a LONGG time, and I found one. ONE! Come on, the majority of us men have no. frigging. idea what to do to make you come to a screaming orgasm. So please don't do that "you should know what, it's obvious isn't it?"

It's not. Now give.

The Obsession With Thin

Okay. This is getting out of hand. Who the FUCK decided that the ideal woman should be one that's so frigging skinny that we can lift her and tuck her under the arm and walk off, and not have curves?

And who the FUCK decided to infect the women of the world with this. damn. lie?

I find that person, and he/she/it will take precedence over Mr Murphey in the list of "targets for grievous bodily injury with a blunt spoon."

Let's get some facts out in the open right now.

Ladies, unless you are a "little person", having a weight that starts with a 5 is NORMAL. If you are 170 and above, it is FINE to be over 60kg. Yes, heels are included. And especially when you are born homo sapians, and not homo measurus tapus.

And unless you're related to Wolverine and have metal for a skeleton, or if you are related birds, there is no such thing as heavy-boned or light-boned.

Muscles weigh more than fat. It's FINE to put on weight when you go and exercise. Just. Look. Good.

Smaller waistline, smaller boobs is NOT a good deal.

If you squeeze your belly, thigh, arm, cheek and assorted other body parts, your fingers will close a centimeter apart AT THE VERY LEAST. That, dear biology students, is SKIN. Not fat.

Hourglass good. Normal ladies watches bad.

The woman's worst critics are, in this order: Themselves, Other women, mothers (maybe). Men really don't care all that much.

And all in all, we men appreciate that you ladies dress up for us, but we really prefer you all dressing DOWN. Literally. At the end of the day, the lights are off and we have to go by touch anyway.

And truth of the matter is, that our approach to models are the same as how you women approach Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, or Pierce Brosnan. Nice to have, but strictly optional. If we do end up with one, we probably won't know what to do anyway.

And no matter heavy you are, how much cellulite you have, or little crow's feet come out when you smile, it does not matter.

YOU are the ones we want.

And we will love you and accept you for all that you are, and all that you are not. So quit agonizing over what makes you hot, and focus on what makes you BEAUTIFUL. Like giving an absolutely amazing Blowjob, and swallowing. JUST JOKING!

So there.

I Raise A Toast To Haters

In a conversation with my friend nadnut, I am reminded of a particular commercial on TV, and I now raise a toast to haters.

People who got nothing better to do other than sit around behind the computer and bitch and moan and gripe about people, and have absolutely NOTHING constructive to say.

To Haters,

Thank you for testing our mettle.

Thank you, for giving us the inspiration to better ourselves in every way for nothing else than to prove you wrong.

Thank you, for showing us who our true friends are, and how much they value us and complete us.

Thank you, for making us take a long hard look at ourselves, and make us a better person for that scrutiny.

Now, that I have toasted. It is time to pull out a switchblade, kill 'em and discreetly dispose of their bodies.

Picture adapted from Sluggy.com

Definition: Nice Guy

Alright, this I need to understand. For the sake of MANkind, when women and girls say that they want a NICE guy, what EXACTLY are they looking for?

My English teacher has said that the word nice is an ambiguous word. Much like OK, or can lah or mai hiam. Nice, can mean everything from something short of the devil incarnate, to Mahadma Ghandi the Second.

And since nobody has ever asked this before, I'm gonna do it. Ladies and, well, girls,

DEFINE NICE GUY.

You now have your essay topic. Now fire away. You have the right to remain silent, and anything you say and use can and will be used in the court of the sexes.

I, as well as about half the human race, await your enlightening response.

Justifications, Reasons, and Why The Gahmen Needs A New Publicist

Keeping up with my usual reading of daily affairs via Jean's Blog, this thought occured to me.

Funny how come there is a justification for increasing prices, but there's also a justification for keeping employees' salaries at the same level. Now if both justifications are justified... where's does the money from this increase go to?

And that is why, all too often, I ask the question why in the world the powers-that-be, for all the extra money that they're getting, are not getting better publicists (read. story-tellers).

I mean come on, you'd think that for all the money in the world, you should be able to get some of the best spin doctors in the world to make people not only give you money, but do it willingly, unreservedly, and maybe even take their children's lunch money and hand it over reverently.

But then again, ,maybe we, the sheep-tizens of this nation, just ain't worth the trouble and the money and the time.

The Sweet Irony

You know how the gah-men has been pushing for clean and green Singapore.

You see how we try to reduce emissions by making it expensive for the average joe to drive.

You see ERP gantries going up to regulate traffic flow so that cars are clustered in other smaller roads less able to manage the flow and then those roads get blocked with gantries as well.

Yet taxes are reducing so it's "easier" to own a car, but harder to actually use it.

And here's an interesting point. Why the FUCK is it that for all the bloody clean and greenness, more environmentally friendly cars don't have a reduction in tax, but an INCREASE.

Something here doesn't fit. Can you see it?

The Last Word on The Vuestar Saga

Since there's no cure to stupidity, I have this to say.

WHEN GOOGLE PAYS, I PAY.

Thus endeth the lesson. Amen.

Now What Is It YOU Want?

This thought came to me when I was reading a thread at THE BAR.

You know, career advancement and better prospects are such vague terms.

What does it mean to you?

Different job scope?
Management-level duties?
More money?
Snazzy title?
A hot secretary that gives outstanding blowjobs?
Corner office?

What?

If you find it hard to leave because of the people, but want "better prospects", why not suggest to your boss a way to stay, but get a different scope of work?

Having been on both sides of the hiring desk, I guess I speak from experience that a good boss is as hard to find as a good employee.

New Revelation

Note to Self: Do not get drunk with microphone in hand.

At a wedding.


As the MC.

Now where is the damn videographer. There's footage that needs to be censored...

God's Punishment To Mankind

The Flu.

Combined, the flu has caused more death, complications and misery than very possibly any other disease in the world.

And since there's never been any effective cure, we're screwed to suffer it one way or another till armaggedon.

Mr. Murphy and Tai Sui are Both Mean Boys

When I find EITHER of them, I'll eviscerate him with a blunt spoon and strangle him on his own entrails.

I Was Ear Raped!

In the words of my colleagues, my phone number is slutted out to the whole of Singapore, primarily cos I'm the point man for most of the businesses that we have.

But this one, this one. I went behind the wheel of my car and set a new world record for longest continuous stream of expletives in 4 languages.

"Hi, this is Edmund."

"Hi, do you have any cars for rent?"

"Sure, when do you need it?"

"Maybe today?"

"Hmm... there are a couple of cars that I have. What's your price range?"

"Well... don't matter as long as I'm comfortable... how old are you? You sound really young..."

"Thanks"

"I like young men..."

"Err ok..."

"I wanna make friend with you... Would you like that?"

He then carried on a little on what he likes about young men.

"Sorry, I don't quite swing that way. Thanks for asking anyway. BYE."

Let it not be said that my customer service is lacking in any manner. There are many things I'm willing to take for my team. Giving up my ass virginity is not one of them.

The Gah-Men Thinks We Are Stupid

You know what, I just about had it. Drill a hole in my wallet, and fuck around with my life. Play God if it's all I care.

But don't insult my intelligence while you're at it.

I can stand it if our taxes are raised, even though we are running on a tax 20% surplus nearly every single year since independance. I can even accept that the powers that be change rules on a whim and leaches you for every single cent you have for their own coffers.

But for FUCK's sake, don't pretend that "it's for my own good!"

Proof you say? Sure. Let me give you proof.

1. Zoning laws are changed every election for efficiency's sake. Strangely enough, every GRC that is opposition-controlled, or declined in support of the ruling party, has its area reduced, split up or amalgated into those with strong support. Marine Parade Town Council now manages Serangoon Garden. The nearest body of water is that which is in the fish tank at home.

2. Sengkang is an integrated new town. The LRT stations run AROUND the estate. Most of the people stay in the MIDDLE of the estate.

3. The NEL is a frigging automated system, one can reduce manpower costs and make the trains run more efficiently, and hence the trips are cheaper. The project was finished S$5 BILLION under budget, almost a year late, and every train has 1 or 2 men in green. A precaution in case the trains break down. Brilliant.

4. ERP is suppose to reduce road tax and make car ownership more accessible. For all the bloody gantries that came up, road tax was reduced by an insignificant amount,for a stupid amount of extra charges through ERP. Inefficiency? or sheer ass stupidity.

5. Long time ago, we were told that using the EZlink system, everyone pays the correct fares, and thus can help reduce the overall cost of buses and public transport. In fact, there was one time bus fares was raised for the reason that dishonest commuters are costing millions of dollars to bus companies. Bus fares have NEVER decreased for a period of 25 years.

6. SMRT raised prices of train fares shortly after SARS ended, quoting the reason that they are making losses and are unable to sustain operations at current levels. 3 cents increase conservatively equals to a S$200,000 increase in revenue per DAY AT NO INCREASE IN COST. After intense rebuttal, they published a statement in the papers, citing the writing off of 17 new trains to the tune of $237 MILLION dollars as expense, as a reason for increasing fares. If any private company did this, ACRA would be down their necks faster that the alien in AVP.

7. ERP gantries are popping up everywhere and it's not due to the monsoon season. The reason is to regulate traffic flow and prevent congestion. I urge the Minister of Transport to drive from Yishun to his office in town for a month. After that, tell me how ERP has improved traffic flow in the peak hours.

8. CPF is suppose to be for our old age. It's suppose to be our money. I dare anyone to try going to a bank and borrowing money, using our CPF as collateral.

This are just SOME examples that show that either a) the powers that be don't have a high regard for our own people's intelligence, or b) they are overpaying their PR and corporate comms team.

So yeah, go ahead and do what you want with the country. Just don't try to convince me it's for my own good, and that if I leave this country, I'm a quitter.

Does This BLOODY make sense?

"Hi, can I check with you if the function room is booked for this Sunday?"

"No, sir. There are no bookings on Sunday."

"Great! I would like to make a reservation for it please."

"Which day would you want to make a reservation for?"

(tahan)

"Sunday. The coming Sunday."

"I'm afraid you can't do that sir."

"Why not?"

"Because you need to book 2 weeks in advance."

(double tahan)

"But nobody has it for this Sunday right?"

"Yes, but it's protocol."

(finds a pail of water, sticks hand in water. Water boils)

"Is there anyone I can speak to, to expedite the process?"

"I'm afraid not."

(water dries up. starts loading shot gun rounds)

"Well can you expedite the process?"

"The fastest will be one week sir."

(snaps shotgun together with a satisfying click)

"But there's nobody booking the place!"

"Yes, sir."

"So what do you do if there is no booking? Leave it empty?"

"Yes, sir."

(slings shotgun on shoulder, tightens boots, gets ready to head off to war)

I eventually got the function room. 5 years coming out from the civil sector. I am reminded again why it was I left in the first place. No, they do not allow anyone in an hour before to set up. It's protocol. And they may ruin their manicures to set that up.

Missed Calls

I HATE ANONYMOUS CALLS.

One missed call when I'm sleeping without caller-ID. Fine. 3 missed calls. That's a little much.

Then I go to the toilet. Past the point of no return, one more time.

In the middle of an overseas call, AGAIN. I switch over, and the person puts the fucking phone down.

I take a shower, and the phone rings. Guess who, yup. Phantom caller. Nearly kill myself getting out of the shower, and miss the call again. 3 FUCKING seconds the person can't hold on.

And to add insult to injury, now the phone stares back at me, not. a. peep.

Nabeh.

Running on Fumes

Slept less than 3 hours every day since last Sunday.

Crunch time at work.

Learning the ropes at moderating for websites.

Packing for field camp.

Stupid overly-enthusiastic commanders who make excuses better than they actually command.

I am this close to snapping.

Lousy Timing

So I'm back in camp again. And it cannot come at a worse time. When I actually have legitimate work to do, and I actually LIKE doing it, it has to be that I have to go back and waste time pretending to be soldiers.

Biceps hurt, and I have to cross the WHOLE of Singapore to reach my camp.

And I still gotta do IPPT tomorrow.

Brilliant. Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.

Observations

Back in Singapore and swamped with work. Strangely, I feel good, to be busy again. Damn right, 3 hour sleeps and hardly any free time. Shiok.

It is official, I am masochistic.

A frivolous post.

Ever experienced a sunrise on a plane before? It's kinda strange. Look out the window on one side, and it's a field of pure liquid gold. The other, 3 shades of cool blue. I wonder what the pilot sees, and if there ever is a boundary between the two. It's kinda strange, to be in a plane, balanced between night, and day.

Why is it that we get life vests in a plane? Wouldn't it make more sense to get parachutes instead? When was the last time you actually saw a plane crash into the sea and survive? I read somewhere that hitting water at more than 100 feet, is the same as hitting concrete. Maybe we'll bounce if we all sit on the life raft and jump out with it.

One last thing. Why must the window shades be up? I mean they're just fine down aren't they? Do we really need to stare out at the ground coming at us at 100 meters per minute? Show us our possibly impending doom so that we'll be extra nice to the pilots for doing their jobs?

If the plane doesn't land properly, you'd know it. Not that there's anything you can do about it. OK, maybe an extra minute of prayer time.

If the plane does land properly, then why the FUCK do you have to disturb my sleep and not let me get back to sleep, for the sun glaring into my eyes?

Thank God I didn't pass my SQ interviews.

Interlude

I cannot frigging believe this.

Right now I am in Bangkok, doing another pseudo Amazing Race back to Singapore.

What. The. Fuck.

Flights to fucking everywhere in the world to every part of fucking Asia and the rest of the world, and not one, to Singapore. Not ONE! The last one left at 8 from Tiger Airways, and now I have a lovely 8 hours to perfect my impression of a homeless person.

It is official. The Thais hate us.

That being said, the new airport terminal looks almost exactly like terminal 2. Loads of glass and steel and no concrete. Guess we're not the only ones short of construction material. :P

Pictures when I finally touch down and take a shower.

Goodbye Yangon. Hello Amazing Race Asia 2!

PS. There are some truly good looking women here. Guess Thai curry isn't the only thing that's hot in this country. Let's go see if yours truly can go spread some love around and improve international relations. ;)

WTF!

Why is the post that I put in THIS MORNING not on my blog yet?!!!?! 5 FUCKING HOURS!

I want my old blogger back! WAHHHHH!!!

And now, back to your regularly scheduled, moderately intellectual program.