Wanted, Dead or Alive

Actually I don't know about the dead or alive part. But I'm pretty sure that there probably won't be a lot of people weeping if he was roughed up a bit, or a lot.

This dude, is Mas Selamat Kastari, aged 45. Walks with a limp, and anyone with photoshop, come on folks, let's FINALLY put it to good use and make variations of this picture, rather than use it to turn Edmund into a Hansum boy.

So if you have seen this man,

Fess up and quietly call 999. Social Media BOLEH!

Mr. Murphy and Tai Sui are Both Mean Boys

When I find EITHER of them, I'll eviscerate him with a blunt spoon and strangle him on his own entrails.

Wedding Speech For A Friend

Was invited to a wedding and was asked to speak. I didn't make it up the stage, cos the wedding singer (not me this time) hogged the limelight.

I thought it summarizes a lot of things I learnt about love, and so I asked for her permission to put it here.

So here goes. And here it goes out to everyone whose wedding I have attended, and will attend. I applaud you and respect you for this amazing commitment that you have taken on yourselves. It'll be a LONG time before I join your ranks.

But in the mean time, well done you, all of you.

"A friend told me that 'the beginning of love is the end of logic.'

Logically, of course. I can understand why it is that these 2 lovely people have gotten together.

The groom's quite a man. Quite a LOT of man. Exactly how much, I think the bride knows better than any of us.

The bride, complements him, but loses none of her own individuality. Like the chilli padi she loves so much. She is a person in her own right, and brings forth the best in the man that she's with.

But we are not here to celebrate logic. We are here to celebrate love. There's no reason in the world, at the end of the day, for them to choose each other.

Among all the chilli padi, and among all the dishes in the world, they have chosen to commit to each other for the rest. of. their. lives.

So we celebrate this magical, crazy, illogical, senseless, wonderful thing, that has brought the 2 of them together.

We celebrate their love.

Now a word of advice, dear hearts. There will be no happily ever after. You will quarrel, irritate each other, and get pissed off in return. You will fight, and you will jump on one another. But through it all, you will still love each other, so remember to show it.

So to your new life together. May it not be perfect. But May you find beauty in that imperfection, and in the wonderful wonderful love, that you have together.

Cheers."

See dude, I actually HAVE a heart, dammit.

Capitalize Edison!

Maybe Edison Chen should head over to Hollywood and carry on his movie career there. He can already speak English, not bad looking, and the pictures are just a drop in an entire ocean of scandals over there. In any case, he's practically in the same neighbourhood already.

Plus, it'll be a good idea to have some other Chinese guy kissing ang-moh women other than Chow Yunn Fatt. Might just break the Chinese stereotype of the neutered male.

There. My first and last word on the entire fiasco. Peace Out.

Bring Me Love

Now I always liked original songs by independant composers. This one, is another from Marie Digby.

She's hot, she sings well, she can compose and she's hot. Wait I said that already.



Sasky, I have a feeling you can relate to this song.

What I Learnt From Every Race In Singapore.

There's so many things to learn from everything and everyone in the world. I thought about this some time back, but here it is, immortalized from posterity.

I realized that after hanging out with all 4 races in Singapore, I have learnt something from each and everyone of them .

From the Ang Moh, I learnt how to be confident, even when you have nothing to be confident about.

From the Indian, I learnt how to tok cock, even if there's no poultry.

From the Malays, I learnt how to relak one corner.

And from the Chinese, I learnt how to be a bastard.

All important lessons, if used wisely.

Nice Car, Sucky Parking

Right, and now, courtesy of the inflence of my esteemed peers, and my camera. I give you, Mr Spastic, I-don't-know-how-to-park-my-car.

Car park ain't exactly empty. Some more 2 prime slots with one idiot driver.

This is how much space he left at the back of his car.

My friends that I met for coffee too, were bloggers, and they whipped out their cameras and joined in the fun.

And being the proactive, action oriented person that I am, I decided to leave him with a note that said, "Nice Car. Sucky Parking."

By the Power Invested In Me By Blogger...

Social media is powerful.

I was always aware of it. Now, I have it right smacked in my face after meeting the frontrunners of this media. Andy opened the door through a Slingers game. Now, I am introduced to a world where I can change with a keyboard, a screen and high speed internet.

It is also due to these wonderful people that I have met, that I have picked up a few hmm.... habits.

I actually carry a camera around sometimes. A real, honest-to-goodness Sony Camera. It's old, but it has a one-gig memory card.

I have become trigger-happy. Watch out life and evil doers. Your face will not be anonymous anymore.

I actually know what page rank means. I still don't care about it, unless I have a bet on it.

The location of coffee and makan is partially determined by the availability of power points and Wifi.

That being said, I hereby make a solemn promise. I will never, ever be a page traffic whore. Ever. Even though the ego masturbation from getting tomorrow-ed did feel pretty good...

All in all, my blog will remain as it always has been. A receptacle of my thoughts, rather than a chronology of my life. Life is interesting, but fleeting. Ideas, last forever.

Improving Valentine's Day

Last year, I moaned and bitched about Valentine's. It's my right. I is single.

And this year, THAT, at least has not changed. I still is single.

Everything else? Well. Let's just take a little more proactive and positive approach to the whole day, shall we? After all, I already have tai sui on my case, let's not add more negativity to that. (Apparently according to the Chinese Zodiac, this year, I zhuang tai sui. Personally it's not my fault that he's a snivelling whiner)

So, how to improve Valentine's?

1. Have another day where the WOMEN are obligated to do something for the men. Every year. Commercialize it.

This time, we men will get little presents for the gals. They now have their chance to wine and dine us, and then submit to our every whim. We on the other hand, will just clam up and expect them to know and do everything, giving them "the eye" at anything that goes awry.

2. Run away to somewhere else where you don't have to face up to hoards to flower sellers.

The Sahara is nice this time of year. So's Mexico. Or the Artic.

3. Pretend to be insurance agents and sell life insurance to every person that comes over and asks you about flowers. Pretend to be GENERAL insurance agents and sell break-up insurance to all the couples.

If you're already with any of the Life insurance firms, don't need to pretend. This is your peak period! Thanks Fairy for this suggestion.

4. Get buried in work.

Because you KNOW that you'll be rewarded eventually.

5. Go out, party, get wild torrid sex and TRY to wake up the next morning in your own bed. Alone.

It's about as obvious as it gets. The only difference if you're attached, is just make sure that your parents don't walk in on ya, and oh. Safety first.

Welll that's about all there is to it. I'm hungry. Dinner time. Ciao!

Of Men and Sex

Maybe this will give a little more insight into why men are what they are.

It's the testosterone I tell you. The frigging testosterone!!

There I think that'll have summarized Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus in about 15 minutes.

It's All True!

A woman showed this clip about men and women to me. I now consider it my social responsibility to share it with the rest of the world.

All true, folks. Even if you think otherwise.

My 2nd PROPER Slingers Game

Nothing, I swore NOTHING was gonna keep me away from this game. I might have a ton of work lined up, I may be dying from flu after my trip to KL. Traffic may be shitty, and some joker bought up ALL the bloody coupons at both 7-11s near the Singapore Indoor Stadium. Despite ALL of that, I. WILL. GET. TO. THE. GAME.

And I'm glad I did.

Met all the usual suspects. And it seems that this time, everyone's seperated between the alcoholic box and the non-alcoholic box. I, of course, joined the NON-alcoholic box so I can lay my hands on all the spare beer.


Now booze aside, the game was good. Notable achievements as follows.

Slingers frigging OWNED the Dragons.

The referee kayu-ed. That means that they were treated to a little bit of Singapore culture. How they took it, remained to be seen.

After watching the folks from Air Asia shoot, I thank God that I'm not the only one that suck at basketball. In future, I'm getting a proxy to shoot for me.

Letting out a whole month of stress screaming my head off, and helping myself to the liquid refreshment. Waste not, want not. Especially in the non-alcoholic segment. *Hic*

Meeting my friend Sara-Ann FINALLY. I was beginning to think that Karma is keeping us apart.

The Slinger Gals are pretty hot, as usual. Now if I can only talk to them.

The Goonfather got a higher beer tower than me. I'd like to think that it's only because he started earlier. But I was sick, and my new year resolution is still in force.

Lennie and Jason were there giving a running commentary. They're got a heck of a lot more fun to listen to than "Strong D Man".

I forgot to bring my camera. It's peer pressure to get one I tell you. I believe that we have a higher person-to-camera than anyone else in the stadium. Definitely a higher memory-card-to-person ratio. Peer pressure!

Jean and Alice teams up to record the entire game. One shoots the other videos. My goodness. what a team.

I hereby put in my vote to have Lennie and Jason as the official commentators for the game, instead of Strong D man.

The next home game is gonna be the 13th of Feb. I. WILL. BE. THERE.

There'll be the million dollar shoot out (of which I strongly recommend this one blogger I know) but it'll be interesting to see if anyone actually wins the million bucks, and gain instant friends.

How about it folks? Anyone for a shot at instant friends?

Answers to Common Irritating New Year Questions

This was running at the back of my mind since someone at CBB said that they hated CNY for the questions.

And being the eternal optimist and chief prank master of life, I have decided that it is the perfect time to get some good out of the bad.

Here is a list of common CNY questions that I know we all don't like. Here, my fellow Singaporeans, are the suggested answers. Feel free to contribute.

"So where's your girlfriend?"

• "You know, it's interesting you asked. I don't think it's time to show John to the rest of the family yet" (I'm a guy. Adapt for the female context)
• "John's spending time with his family as well."
• "Which girlfriend are you talking about?"
• "Oh, your daughter didn't tell you? (Pause) I shouldn't have said that, should I?"
• "She's in the hospital, the doctor's worried that the baby will be born prematurely"
• (for the gals) (look down at your belly.... stroke)"I'm not sure. But the baby is innocent, isn't he?"

"When are you getting married?"

• "Didn't your daughter discuss our plans with you? We have to do it before the pregnancy gets too obvious"
• "Why? Are you saving up for the ang pow?"
• "We were thinking Ah Yat Coffeeshop but it's booked up for next Wednesday."
• "John and I think that it'll be better once the law gets a little more relaxed"
• "On my holiday next month to Europe. I heard that over there, it's ok for 3 people to be in the marriage at the same time. Sam and I think that it'll be perfect. John's complaining about the cost though"
• "After the baby is born. She can't fit into her wedding dress now."

"When are you going to have kids?"

• "Have you seen the donation jar for my diaper fund?"
• "We're thinking of adopting from the orphan program in India"
• "When the condom leaks"

"When are we going to hear the pitter patter of little feet?"

• "You know, I hear that too at night sometimes..."
• "Where's PICNIC?!!" (for QY only)

Lemme go think of more over the holidays. In the meantime, feel free to contribute.